


What The Body Is Worth

by donttellmyparentsplz



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson, Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson (Broadway Cast) Actor RPF
Genre: Alive Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Anal Sex, Angst, Angst and Porn, Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Author's Potty Mouth, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Blow Jobs, Bottom Evan, Bully, Bullying, Chinese Food, Connor Deserves Happiness, Connor's still dominate, Consent Issues, Depressed Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Don't quote me on that, Edited, Eventual Relationships, Eventual Romance, Explicit Language, F/M, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Sex, Hand Jobs, I Guess Evan is Bi, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Implied/Referenced Underage Prostitution, Kinda Bottom Connor, Kinda Top Evan, Language, Lust, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Oral Sex, Past Relationship(s), Porn, Porn With Plot, Prostitution, Rewrite, Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Suicidal Thoughts, That sounds like ABO, Top Connor, Tragic Romance, Treebros, Underage Prostitution, Underage Sex, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, Whump, regular updates
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:27:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 13
Words: 34,075
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23297770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/donttellmyparentsplz/pseuds/donttellmyparentsplz
Summary: When Evan agrees to a deal—that Connor Murphy will get to do whatever he wants to Evan under the persuasion of money,—he finds himself in the chaos of prepubescent lust battling morality. In the end, it all leads down to one question. How much does one cost and what is the price one is willing to pay?**This is an updated and edited version of a previous work**
Relationships: Connor Murphy & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen & Heidi Hansen, Evan Hansen & Jared Kleinman, Evan Hansen & Zoe Murphy, Evan Hansen/Connor Murphy, Heidi Hansen & Connor Murphy, Pining Evan Hansen/Zoe Murphy, implied past Connor Murphy/OMC
Comments: 98
Kudos: 195





	1. The Deal

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is your only warning: read the tags if your are sensitive to certain topics and this work IS explicit.

Evan's back hit his bedroom door and he bit his lip to hold back the whimper that threatened to escape as Connor Murphy held him hostage by a tongue to his neck. His breath hitched when the brunet switched to sucking just beneath his ear. 

"C-Connor,—" He gasped and tried to push him back enough to dislodge Connor's tongue. "Don't leave a mark. My mom will find out." 

The events leading up to now had been started on the first day of school when Connor had bumped into Evan in the computer lab after their last period and made a vague suggestion at paying him to "hang out." Evan had panicked and made an excuse about therapy before rushing out of the room. It was later that night when he realized what it was Connor had meant by that. He'd immediately written off the offer as a prank, but it'd stuck with him in the glances Connor gave him on the following days of school. 

Most prominent in his mind was that he already knew what he'd use the money for. College was expensive and the rates were climbing exponentially. He was already on the verge of not being able to attend having only been able to rely on his mom's income as of yet. But if he could take some of that burden off of her... 

It was behind the school on Thursday that Evan confronted Connor about it while the latter was smoking—what Evan could only assume was—a joint. He'd avoided eye contact and nervously asked for more details about the offer. Connor had simply stated that he was looking for some fun and would pay well. 

Evan accepted. 

Connor's first suggestion was to get a hotel for the evening, but the anxiety that would bring caused Evan to deny that option and instead suggest they could go to his house—his mom wouldn't be back until ten. 

They'd left almost immediately. 

With a breath, Connor pulled back and licked his lips. The side quirked in a lighthearted smirk and he swallowed hard, his eyes glancing to where they'd been sucking. 

"Got it." 

Connor's stare made Evan blush. It was the same one he'd used on Monday when he'd suggested the arrangement; completely drunk on teenage hormonal lust. Evan swallowed and Connor reached down to the hem of Evan's shirt. It caught awkwardly on his cast as it was removed then fell forgotten to the floor. Connor wrapped his arms around Evan, feeling along his shoulders and spine. Evan shuddered. 

A heavy puff of air, and Connor pulled back to pull off his own shirt. He reached out and caught Evan's wrist before leading him to his bed. Sat at the edge, Connor pushed Evan back to his back then crawled over him, straddling his hips. 

"Touch me," Connor whispered into Evan's ear as his own hands roamed along Evan's sides. 

With a nervous breath, Evan raised a shaking hand to Connor's chest, circling to his neck as the casted hand held awkwardly at Connor's hip. 

Connor bent down to kiss Evan. He wasn't sure what Connor was feeling, but it was awkward to Evan and he tried his best to follow along as Connor's fingers worked down his chest, rubbing at his nipples and along his abdomen. Light touches tickled his sides and on reflex, his hand clenched, giving a tug to Connor's hair as he giggled and his stomach clenched. A hiss and Connor followed the movement with closed eyes. 

"S-sorry," Evan said and quickly released him. 

He received a hum in response and Connor moved his lips to trail down Evan's neck, chest, stomach, peppering kisses along freckles and nipping lightly at Evan's hips. Connor licked a long stripe at the skin just above the hem of his jeans and Evan's breath hitched. 

"Sensitive?" Connor smirked before it evaporated into a smile. 

Evan blushed. "I-I don't—um—I haven't exactly had this done to me before." 

Connor bit the inside of his lip and placed one more kiss to the skin before tugging at his button and zipper. The pants were pulled slowly down to his ankles, then off entirely. His boxers were treated with a similar arrangement. 

Laying naked in front of Connor felt exposing and vulnerable in a way he hadn't experienced before. The brunet's stare was unrelenting, showering every inch of his skin. Evan held as still as he could, despite the rawness of the experience. He was being paid after all, and if Connor wanted to spend his money staring at Evan, then he would get over his nerves and deal with it. 

One of Connor's hands ran gently up Evan's arm and down his side as the other worked to undo his own pants, being pushed off and tossed to the side more carelessly than Evan's had. Evan averted his eyes and blushed at the sight of Connor naked. There was something that felt wrong about the situation. Who else could say that they had been very-naked in a bed with the very-naked brother of their crush? He doubted many could. 

"Hey," Connor whispered placing his hands at either side of Evan's head to lean over him. Evan looked up to him. Now was not the time to be thinking about Zoe. 

Connor's brow was furrowed and his lips downturned as he spoke, "If you're having second thoughts just say so. We can stop." 

Evan shook his head quickly. Despite his nerves, Connor's ministrations had gotten him partially erect. Not as much as Connor, but enough that he still wanted to continue. 

"No-no, I'm fine." He said. 

Connor's hand rubbed comfortingly at his side, "If you're sure." 

"I am." 

Reaching to grab the tube of lube he'd brought from behind him on the bed, Connor then turned back around and repositioned himself between Evan's legs. Evan blushed and Connor took his time to coat his fingers thoroughly with the lube then pulled one of Evan's legs up until it was nearly touching his chest. Evan's casted arm wrapped around his shin to help hold it in place. 

Connor traced a slippery finger around the hole of Evan's ass for several moments to loosen the tense muscles before slowly pressing the finger inside. Evan squeezed his eyes shut. It didn't hurt, not with all the lube that was being used, but it was a weird sensation to have something going in his ass when nothing had ever gone before. 

"Try to relax." Connor whispered as he pressed his finger in to the knuckle and slowly moved it around inside of him. 

Part of Evan was terrified—this other person was literally inside of him!—but he chanted to himself that he was okay. He didn't need to fight it. This person was helping him in other ways. As Connor moved, he felt his body slowly losing the fight. Connor gently added a second finger and Evan's breath caught. He didn't release it until Connor had pushed his hand in to the knuckle again. This step took longer than the last and Evan pulled his other leg up to help give Connor better access as he scissored his fingers inside. When Connor added a third finger, Evan whimpered. This one stretched him and it was uncomfortable and ached. 

He gasped when Connor's free hand took hold of his erection and began to stroke. It was a distraction, Evan knew, but he was grateful for it. Connor's hand ran up and down his shaft, his thumb rubbing over the head and swiping at his balls as they passed. Evan pulled his hand to cover his mouth as a moan broke free. Evan choked off a whimper when Connor's hand left his erection to pull at his wrist. 

"I wanna hear you." Connor whispered and pulled out his fingers. The loss was unexpected and not what Evan wanted. He grunted helplessly and threw his head back into the pillow. The blunt prodding at his ass a moment later pulled his attention back to Connor and Evan swallowed at the sight of Connor's condom-clad dick getting ready to penetrate him. 

He was terrified. 

"Ready?" Connor asked. 

Evan nodded and closed his eyes. Moments later, the pressure increased and he could feel his body opening up to allow Connor inside, pressing past a ring of taught muscle to find passage. He wasn't even fully inside yet tears pricked in his eyes and his arms reached up to grab at Connor's shoulders as his body hurt and his thighs shook. He whimpered pathetically and Connor pat his hair and kissed his forehead. 

"It's okay," Connor whispered shakily, stopping in his tracks. "I won't move 'til you're ready." 

Appreciation for whatever patience this was fled through Evan. Connor kissed him soft and sweet. It was less awkward than previously. Evan's chest fluttered at the sensation. He opened his mouth as Connor's teeth nipped at his bottom lip, tongue entwining with Evan's and swirling across the roof of his mouth. He pulled away to peck at Evan's jaw and a small line of saliva followed as if telling him to come back. 

Evan took a shaky breath. "I'm alright now. You can go." 

Connor breathed into Evan's shoulder as he laid him back to the bed and pressed the rest of the way into Evan. Their lips connected again as Connor withdrew and Evan stole a breath from beneath Connor's lips. He whined at Connor's movement and Connor slowed his pace. It was achingly slow, yet all he could handle. 

The touch to his erection had him moaning and Evan pulled back as the brunet brushed feather-light touches to the sensitive flesh. His body ached and his hips jerked unsteadily into Connor's hand. The friction from Connor inside of him increased as Connor paced his thrusts with the movement of his hand. Evan's hands wrapped beneath Connor's armpits to grab at his shoulders and pull him closer as he buried his face in Connor's hair. Anything to keep him steady physically and emotionally. 

"C-Connor," Evan called. 

Without further explanation, Connor hastened his pace and Evan grunted and whimpered at the dual sensations. His arms weakened and he let himself fall back to the mattress. Connor took the opportunity to kiss down his neck again before sucking hard along his collarbone. Evan didn't care if he got a hickey anymore. His legs wrapped shakily around Connor's hips and his hands tangled in Connor's hair. Bare and exposed. Opened up by gentle touches. 

The friction left his erection and Connor took hold of his hips, angling himself as he thrust. Anxiety crept in and Evan was about to ask if he was uncomfortable and needed them to change positions when it hit. A spike of pleasure that coiled up through his stomach and settled in his brain. He whimpered and his eyes squeezed shut in concentration. 

What was that?! 

He gasped and Connor let out a quiet laugh, adjusting himself to thrust into that general area. Evan's breaths became erratic and he whimpered, his toes curling in as the wisps of pleasure wound up his spine and danced behind his eyes. He moaned long and loud when Connor's hand made its way back to his erection. It was too much and he was cumming before he even had a chance to warn Connor. It knocked the breath out of him and he spasmed and trembled under Connor's final thrusts before he, too, was climaxing and collapsing in a dead weight on top of Evan. 

Connor's breath was heavy in his ear and Evan closed his eyes to the after effects still washing through his body. When Connor pulled out of him, Evan gasped at the friction, too over-sensitive at that moment. Exhaustion crippled him and he stayed limp as Connor pulled a Kleenex from his nightstand and cleaned off Evan's chest and wiped the sweat on his forehead. 

His eyes opened blearily as he heard Connor move away and he watched as the brunet shuffled into his clothes before pulling the duvet over Evan's naked body, slipping a wad of bills into his limp hand, and kissing his forehead softly. 

Connor grabbed his shoes and left without another word and Evan's eyes closed, listening to the muted click of the front door and the roar of Connor's mustang starting up and speeding down the street.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are, more than two years after when this idea first came to mind. After much hesitation to re-post and continue, here it is. This work is a rewritten version (though same plot) of my previous work re-titled "What the Body is Worth (pre-editing)." I debated for a long time to just update the edited chapters on the previous work, but it's been so long and the works are really different. It felt better to me to just scrap the old and create the new. For those of you who have joined me from there, thanks for coming back, I'd love to hear what you think about the changes. For those of you that are new, welcome, please get ready for a lot of angst and sadness, but also a lot of romance and cuteness.  
> I will update once a week on Fridays and will give updates through edits if I feel I will miss that deadline. This Friday, the 27th, will not have an update. There will be one on the 3rd.  
> This time around, I've set up an email for if any of you have questions or comments about anything. You can contact me at dtmppao3@gmail.com.  
> Thanks for joining!
> 
> 3/24/20  
> 2066 words


	2. Worth It

The sun was setting by the time Evan woke up. The first things to come to his attention were the ache in his hips, his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth, and the wad in his hand. He dropped the cash in his lap and winced as he sat up, pulling his pillow up behind him to support his waist. He grabbed the half-empty water bottle from his bedside table and took a long drink. Two down, one to go. His eyes landed on the bills in front of him and he stared at them for several moments. They looked like way more than he'd been anticipating as the stack had to have at least a dozen bills and the top and bottom at least were twenties. He finally worked up the courage to unfold and count them, convincing himself that maybe there were smaller bills on the inner layers. There weren't.

20, 40, 60... 300 dollars?!

Evan swallowed hard and, with trembling hands, pulled open the drawer of his nightstand and tucked the cash in between his notebooks and medication. The drawer was then slammed shut and his hands buried in his hair. When Connor had said he'd pay, Evan hadn't been sure what to expect. He'd thought maybe fifty dollars; if he was lucky, maybe as much as a hundred. But three hundred? They were high school students for fuck's sake! This was too much. It was almost as much as he'd earned for two whole weeks of part-time work during the summer. He'd have to give some of it back. Maybe disguise it in an envelope? Then there was the question of how did he give it back without lots of other people noticing. Maybe he could do it sneakily during his free period when everyone else was in class. Just sneak it into Connor's locker. But then there was the question of how much to give back. Should he give back two hundred? Two-fifty? What if Connor thought he was being greedy for keeping more than he'd originally been supposed to get. Maybe Connor meant to only give him twenty! And—and when he found out that he'd given more, he was going to be mad that Evan was keeping too much and then he was going to beat Evan up because that's what people do when someone steals their money.

Evan frantically reached into the drawer again and, carefully avoiding looking at his number one problem of the moment, grabbed out a dosage of Xanax. He swallowed it with a gulp of water then sat with his eyes closed, picking at his nails as he waited for the calm to come.

When he opened his eyes, they drifted to his backpack, slumped over near the door of his room. If he searched what was normal in this circumstance, he could give back anything that was exceeding and have an excuse if Connor asked.

He winced at the ache in his lower back caused by the movement of sore hips as he limped across the room to his bag. He pulled his computer out of the padded back pocket and slipped on his boxers and t-shirt before climbing back into bed.

_Average cost for paid sex._

He scrolled through the descriptions, too afraid to click any of the links in case they lead to viruses.

_$260 to $340_

Evan blinked. So maybe three hundred hadn't been that big of a deal? A part of his mind said he wasn't a professional and shouldn't be paid as such, but the chemically calmed part argued that he had no reason to be paid any less because there was no such thing as someone who was a professional at sex.

Evan cleared his history, took a deep breath, and closed his laptop. He wouldn't worry about it for now. He'd stop thinking about Connor and finish his homework and go on with his life.

...He failed.

Connor's eyes stuck in his mind and sent friendly reminders of what he'd experienced under the brunet's ministrations. The kisses and the touches. How Connor had licked at his stomach. The way his heart beat frantically and the way it felt at the end. The tent in his boxers surely remembered.

Evan swallowed hard. His mind whispered that he shouldn’t be masturbating to someone he knew, but he pushed those thoughts away as he stood and limped his way to the bathroom. It'd always been easier to clean up after. The sun had already gone down and Evan had no idea what time it was, but if he was quick enough, he wouldn't have to worry about his mom. He turned the faucet on and shed his clothes while he waited for the water to warm up. He wrapped his cast tightly in the roll of cling wrap they kept under the sink then put his hand under the spray to check its temperature before getting in.

He angled himself with his cast out of the spray and closed his eyes. What had Connor done? Kisses. Kisses everywhere. He couldn't easily imitate that on his own body, but remembering it did a lot. What else? He'd touched him. Down his sides and along his thighs. Evan imitated the movement with his good hand. It sent shivers down his spine.

Evan reached down, fingers running through damp pubic hair before wrapping firmly around his semi-hard dick. He let out a breath. How had he done it? Evan ran his hand along, rubbing his thumb over the tip and swiping at his balls with his pinky as they passed. He hadn't tried that before and now wondered where this technique had been all his life.

Leaning his right shoulder against the chilly tile to keep his balance sent goose bumps across his arm, but it blocked his back from the water and freed up his casted hand. Fingers followed where they could reach, down the path of his spine, to his tailbone, then dipped down to his hole. He gave a persistent tug at his dick and circled his fingers slowly around his hole, massaging the muscle. Breath hot and labored, his eyes conjured up the way it looked to see Connor trailing kisses down his body and how it felt to have the brunet inside of him. The ache that had been staunched by sweet pleasure.

The piercing blue of Connor's eyes and the softness of his hair. He wondered if Zoe's hair would be that soft. The firm jawline that seemed to be a staple of the Murphy family. His lips.

Evan bit hard on his tongue as he came, trying to stifle any noise. When he opened his eyes the evidence of his act had hit the wall beside him and was sliding down in wet clumps.

A knock startled him and he turned to the direction of the door even though he couldn't see it through the curtain. "Evan? Are you okay? I thought I heard you yell?"

"Y-yeah, mom." He called. Excuse. Excuse. What could he say?! "I'm fine. I just—um, I saw a spider."

_Stupid._

Heidi was quiet for a moment and Evan feared he was about to get the talk about virtue.

"A spider?" She asked, sounding more confused than skeptical. He could barely hear her over the sound of the faucet.

"Yeah, don't worry. I killed it with a shampoo bottle."

"O-okay, Honey. I have take-out down stairs so hurry up."

"Okay." He quickly cupped his hand under the water to splash the wall and wash away any evidence. Within five minutes, he had washed his hair and body and gotten out. He'd been glad he toweled off in front of the mirror as he saw the purple-ish, red hickey which stood out brilliantly on his neck an inch or so away from his collarbone. Fortunately it wasn't that noticeable if he wore a hoodie over his t-shirt.

Heidi was just setting out plates with the Chinese takeout containers when he came into the kitchen.

"That was quick." She commented.

Evan didn't respond. He sat down across from her and they both dished out lo-mien and kung pow chicken onto their plates. Evan propped one of his feet beneath his thigh to ease some of the ache in his hips and Heidi carried on with small talk. She asked about his day; how the letters to himself were going or if he'd found any new friends. Evan had been able to tell the truth for once. It had been a pretty great day in spite of all the anxiety. And maybe he had made a new friend. He'd have to wait and see.

Heidi pulled out a fortune cookie from the bag and cracked it open. "The true crime of life is greed." She read. Evan swallowed and looked back to his plate. "Well, that's true. Your dad sure fell down that trap."

Evan scooped another bite of noodles into his mouth to avoid having to say anything.

"What's yours say?" She asked, pulling his from the bag and tossing it across the table to him.

He caught it clumsily just before it slid to the floor and opened it. "Time paid for is time misplaced."

"The Chinese get more unclear every day. I swear they must be pulling words out of a bucket. Like a industry size game of unscramble." Heidi said and grabbed one more forkful of noodles from the box before closing it up. Evan considered telling her that Fortune Cookies were an American invention, but decided against it.

"Yeah..." Evan quickly finished the last bite of his meal. "I'm—uh... I'm gonna go to bed."

Heidi smiled, "Okay, hun, sleep well."

"You too."

Evan dreamed of blue eyes and feather-light touches. If he found he had to change his underwear again in the morning, then at least no one was there to witness it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I am so excited to get into these next chapters. I got to fix a lot of the plot holes and the things that just didn't make sense when I re-wrote it all. Let me know what you think of this chapter and I'll see you all next week!
> 
> 4/3/20  
> 1651 words


	3. Gone Again

Evan tried his hardest to hide his limp as he walked through the school hallways and to his locker. He was sure it was still noticeable and all he was doing was making it look more like he had a wedgie than was still in the healing process of having been thoroughly fucked in the ass just one night prior. The depressed side of his mind told him not to worry about it, no one was looking because nobody cared, but his anxiety battled that everyone was staring and knew and was judging him for it. 

The weirdest part of the whole morning had been waking up to the hickey on his neck and ache in his hips that told him—despite what he'd assumed at first—he had not dreamt up the previous night in a Xanax-doped fit of hallucinations. This one wouldn't even be the weirdest he'd had since being put on the medication. It wouldn't be that out-of-ordinary. But no, he'd had to use some of his mom's concealer after she'd left for work and his limp remained no matter how many stretches he tried, confirming that it had happened. He had prostituted himself out to Connor Murphy. At least the hickey was low enough on his throat that it was fairly covered by his polo and the concealer. He didn't even want to think about the mess it would have caused had it not. 

He quickly put in his combination and opened his locker when he reached it, swapping out a couple books. Literature, Calculus, and Biology were all before lunch so he put all of those supplies into his bag so he wouldn't have to come back until after 4th period. His bag would be heavy, but it would be less walking and therefore limping. 

"What's up with you?" 

Evan jumped and his head spun quickly to see Jared standing behind him. 

"Oh-uh, hey. W-what do you mean?" 

"I mean you look different. That means something's up." He said, hoisting his backpack further up his shoulders. He smirked, his tone obviously sarcastic as he said, "What? D'you get laid?" 

Despite having that obvious key to tell Evan that Jared was absolutely joking, he could quickly feel the heat rising up his cheeks and crossing to his ears. 

Jared's eyebrows rose and his smile grew minutely, "Wait, seriously?” 

"No! No! That's not what happened." Evan lied, slamming his locker shut and heaving the loaded bag onto his shoulder. Jared burst out laughing and Evan scowled and turned away. 

It wasn't more than a moment before Evan could feel Jared catching up and pulling him close with a arm across his shoulders. 

"So who's the poor girl? Or did you get desperate and find a guy? Cause that's totally fine, too. I mean, I knew you'd stop lying to yourself eventua—" 

"Stop! It wasn't like that!" Evan said and turned away, focusing on the hall ahead of him. Ahead of him, down the hall, Connor was walking in the opposite direction. His head was down and he had earbuds in which probably played into why he didn't see Evan. That was fine. Evan didn't really need the acknowledgement. He noticed Connor was wearing the same shirt he had been wearing yesterday and Evan began to wonder if he was wearing everything he’d been wearing yesterday. 

"Why are you blushing?" 

Evan looked back to the floor and mumbled out a quiet, "I'm not." 

"You totally are." Jared said and let go of him, putting his hands in his pockets instead. Evan wished he hadn't just so that it'd be less obvious when he walked with his limp that made it look like he had a wedgie. 

The five-minute warning bell rang and Evan turned to look up at the ceiling. He didn't know why—it wasn't like there was a physical bell up there—it was just a habit he'd picked up as a freshman and hadn't been able to drop. 

"I gotta get to class." Evan said, looking over to Jared who still had that stupid smirk on his face. 

"Fine, fine." Jared rose his hands in surrender before putting them back into his pockets. "But don't think this is over." One hand came out to point at him as he broke off and headed toward his classes. Evan ducked into his own class room and took his normal seat, praying that Jared would forget about whatever he wasn't done talking about. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

When the bell rang for lunch, Evan went to his locker, quickly switching out his books and grabbing his lunch. It wasn't anything special. A PB&J, applesauce cup, and an off brand Ziplock bag of Doritos. 

"Hey." 

Evan jumped and slammed his left shoulder in his locker door as he turned around to face the person behind him. It was Connor. He needed to stop overreacting to people behind him. 

"Oh, h-hey." he tried to say casually as his hand came up to gently rub at his injury. 

Connor's eyebrow furrowed, "Are you alright?" 

"Wh-me? Yeah-I'm, I mean. I'm fine. Sorry." 

"Are you busy?" Connor asked, shifting slightly. 

Evan swallowed and his mouth opened as he realized what Connor was asking. His body was reacting with even the thought of it and his hands clenched to slow it down. The bag in his casted hand crinkled loudly and they both looked to it. He only had thirty minutes for lunch. 

"Sorry… I-I can't. I don't have long until my next class." He said, looking up at Connor, who nodded a little. 

"That's fine. I under—" 

"But, I..." Evan interrupted him. "Sorry—I have a free period after fifth." 

Connor smirked slightly. "Right, meet me in the parking lot?" 

Evan nodded, maybe a bit too quickly and Connor left. Evan turned back to his locker once Connor had turned down another hallway and quickly finished grabbing his things before closing his locker and heading outdoors to the picnic tables for lunch. 

~~~~~~~~~~ 

5th period was awful. Mr. Redford had taught about the makeup of human cells and then gave a pop quiz. Evan had always hated pop quizzes. He usually knew the information when thinking back or after receiving the grade, but in the moment, he would be too worked up by the surprise to be able to think about what the answers were. He relied heavily on getting good grades from the homework to keep his overall grade for the class at passing level. 

As he headed outside the school building, he realized that just the information to meet Connor in the parking lot was not necessarily enough information to find him. He looked around a bit from the sidewalk, but didn't see him so instead walked into the lot to search for his car. He found it near the brick wall that stood as the outside of the gym. There was a sidewalk along the wall before the lot and trees were planted and spaced every few yards. The trees shaded the car and a slight breeze made the spot look comfortable. Connor was sitting on the hood of his car smoking a cigarette, held delicately between long, thin fingers. Connor was wearing a class ring and Evan wondered where he’d gotten it from considering Connor was still in high school. He looked over to Evan as he walked up and nodded to him, taking one last drag before tossing it down to the sidewalk in front of him. 

"Hey." Connor said as he hopped down. 

Evan gave a stretched smile through his slight panting and hoped he didn't look or smell too sweaty. It was that awkward hot that was only hot if you were in direct sunlight and under shade was often a bit too cold. 

"How long 'til your next period?" Connor hit the button on his keys that unlocked the car door. 

"About an hour." 

When Connor opened the driver's door, Evan took that as a cue to get in as well. He hurried over to the passenger side and got in. Connor took his backpack from him and tossed it to the back seat. Evan tried not to let his hammering heart beat out of his own ribs as Connor looked back to him. He realized this particular parking spot must have been carefully chosen because the shade kept the car cool enough to be in without turning it on while also making the tinted windows more effective and the location was far enough away that no one would spot them. 

He was especially grateful for these when Connor locked the doors and leaned over the consul to kiss him. Evan froze for a moment, but when Connor's lips moved against his, biting softly at his bottom lip, his eyes fluttered closed and his hands reached up to timidly run along Connor's chin and neck. One of Connor's hands ran under his shirt and up his chest while the other gripped his thigh. When Connor's fingers ran across his nipple, Evan gasped into the kiss and Connor pulled back to kiss at Evan's neck and bite at Evan's ear. 

Evan's head followed slowly as Connor leaned back into his seat and he found himself leaning over the consul. Connor pulled the lever on his seat, making it slide back and Evan took that as his cue to join. He hesitantly stepped over, being careful where he put his knees and where he grabbed to keep his balance. He settled with his knees resting at Connor's hips and his arms on the shoulders of the chair behind Connor. 

Connor stared up at him for a moment before leaning in to kiss him lightly. Featherlight touches as his hands snaked around Evan's hips and began to hoist his shirt up. Evan tensed and pulled back. 

"What's wrong?" Connor asked, his brows furrowing, but not moving farther. 

"Sorry… I-I don't-um... I don't want to be completely naked at school." He said and Connor—bless his kind soul—only nodded before reaching back in to kiss him. 

Their tongues collided in a lazy dance and Evan let out a heavy breath as Connor's tongue moved gently and gracefully across his own tongue and the roof of his mouth, swirling around and caressing his pallet. Connor pulled his tongue back, but didn't close his mouth and Evan realized he was asking for the returned favor. Hesitantly, he placed his tongue in Connor's mouth and tried to imitate what Connor had done. Connor tasted like coffee and cigarettes. Evan ran his tongue along the roof of Connor's mouth and Connor licked the bottom of his tongue before sucking lightly. Evan gasped at the sensation. 

When they pulled back, Connor moved to Evan's jaw, kissing and licking and sucking lightly at the skin. 

Evan reached down with trembling hands to pull off his shoes. He hoped his feet weren't too stinky and that if they were, Connor wouldn't notice. He tossed the shoes to the passenger seat before reaching for the button of his jeans. Those he pulled down and left at Connor's feet. Evan's hands shook even more when he reached for the button on Connor's pants. When the button was unclasped, he pulled back before crashing their lips back together. Connor took over with the pants and slid them down to his calves. 

Evan pulled back breathlessly, "Do you...?" 

Connor reached back in to kiss him. When Evan opened his eyes to ask again, Connor had a condom and Evan realized there was a whole stack of them in the cupholder beside them. 

With a large breath, Evan let his head fall forward to Connor's shoulder and his hand reached behind him to open himself up. He copied what Connor had done, massaging gently before pressing in. Connor removed his ring to set in the cup holder before putting the condom on and running one hand along Evan's hips and sides. Evan tried to move his finger around inside him, but the skin stuck too much to himself and it was a difficult task. 

"Let me." Connor whispered, pulling gently on the fingers that were lodged halfway up Evan's ass. 

“Sorry,” Evan nodded and pulled out. His finger was quickly replaced, sliding easily in and around. Connor must have found lube. A second finger entered, scissoring around and twisting and Evan tried positioning himself for easier access. When the third finger entered, Evan's breath turned shaky and he grunted, fisting his hand in Connor's shirt to fight the growing urge to pull away and stop the uncomfortable stretch. He doubted he would ever get used to this part. 

Connor shushed him gently and his free hand once again reached down to stroke his growing erection. Connor’s fingers ran along his length, swiping at his balls and rubbing at the tip. Evan's breathing didn't get better, but the grunts turned to gasps and whimpers, even as Connor's fingers began moving in his ass again. The longer Connor worked him, the better everything felt. When Connor could slide his fingers in and out easily, he pulled out and repositioned Evan above him. 

"Ready?" Connor asked. 

Evan nodded quickly and Connor carefully lined himself up with Evan and pulled him down. Evan grunted pitifully, his casted hand fisted in Connor's shirt while his right reached to steady himself on the door, probably smudging it with fingerprints and bodily fluids. The intrusion felt simultaneously better and worse than last time. Connor had worked him well and made sure he was prepared for this, but Evan was still sore from his first time. 

Evan slowly lowered himself down on Connor. His muscles were tense as he held himself up, eyes watering and limbs shaking. Connor didn't force him to go faster or tell him he was going too slow or call him a wimp. Instead, the brunet leaned forward to meet Evan where he was, kissing him gently and rubbing at his arms and back to loosen his muscles. Connor's hand ran up and down his spine then across his shoulder blades, rubbing and massaging. Evan found himself choked up from the amount of reverence Connor treated him with. 

He wasn't entirely ready when he pushed on Connor's chest to sit him back and began rising on his knees, but he wanted to move. He wanted to make it good for Connor. He rose up until he was nearly all the way off of Connor before guiding himself back down. He dropped his right hand to Connor's shoulder and Connor grabbed his hips to help. By the third time around, it was feeling looser and easier and better. The two were fogging the windows with their breath. Sweat dripped down Evan's forehead and landed on Connor's shirt. 

The next time Even lifted himself, Connor moved him slightly. Evan stopped, afraid he'd done something wrong, but Connor pulled him back down, continuing to shift him as he rose. It felt weird; to be bodily moved while having sex. Was he doing something wrong and Connor was trying to critique him? Was he hurting Connor? 

Then it hit, just as before. Connor's length brushed up against something deep inside Evan and he moaned as the shots of pleasure raced up his spine and caused him to curl in on himself. 

Connor let out a breathy chuckle and continued. 

"What was that?" Evan asked, gasping and shaking as it hit again. 

"Prostate." Connor said with a breathy smile that blew puffs of hot breath on Evan's chin. 

Of course Evan knew what his prostate was. He'd taken health classes before and there was always that one doctor's checkup that would get a bit too personal as they asked about his and his relatives medical history, but he'd never imagined it'd feel like that. 

He shivered as Connor's length grazed the edge and swallowed hard, reaching his hands around Connor's shoulders and resting his forehead in the crook of Connor's neck. The next bounce hit straight on and he jerked, clenching the closest thing he could. The softness in his hand and a hiss in his ear told him he'd grabbed Connor's hair. Evan dropped it immediately and pulled his hands away. 

"S-sorry." 

"No, it's good." Connor said, meeting his gaze as Evan pulled back. "Do it again." 

Evan nodded, and leaned forward once more to grab Connor's hair and rest his forehead. If Connor liked it, he'd do it. He pulled and Connor gasped, his hot breath burned Evan, but it was good. 

When Connor hit his prostate again, Evan could feel the tell-tale signs of how close he was getting. He turned his face into Connor's neck. "I'm close." He whispered and felt his breath bounced back to him. 

Connor reached across the dash and pulled a fabric to lay between them and cover his impending mess. 

"Go ahead." Connor said. 

Evan panted and grunted as Connor took hold of his erection beneath the cloth, pulling gently at the circumcised skin until Evan felt the release. A long grunt mixed with low whimpers escaped Evan's mouth as his curled in on himself, eyes squeezed shut and limbs shaking. Connor raised his limp form up twice more before he too was grunting and cumming deep inside Evan's anal cavity. Connor lay back against the seat, panting in shaky breaths as he rode out the post-orgasm tremors. 

Evan breathed in Connor's scent, eyes closed and too focused on every sensual experience to think about anything else. The echoes of phantom pleasure that still raced up his spine. The trembling of limbs too worn out by movement. The sweat dripping down his brow and his back. The taste of salt in his mouth and on his lips. The smell of Connor's cigarettes and the cologne he used. He took one final breath of it all as Connor shifted to begin cleaning them up. 

He pulled himself out of Evan first. The cloth—now visibly identified as a shirt—used to prevent his mess was balled up and set in the back seat. Connor grabbed his gym bag from the back and pulled out his towel, using it to wipe his face and neck. Evan took that as his cue to move back to the passenger side. He reached down to grab his clothes by Connor's feet and put them on. Connor handed him the towel once he was done and Evan used it to wipe his face and neck. By the time Evan had finished putting his shoes on and fixing his hair, feeling presentable enough to go back to class, Connor had already finished and was rolling down the window to light another cigarette. The cool breeze pecked at Evan's skin and made goosebumps rise along his arms. 

"I-um..." Connor looked to him and Evan realized he didn't know where he was going with that sentence. What was he trying to say? "Um... Thank you." 

Connor's brow furrowed and he looked forward toward the brick wall and the trees and the sidewalk. He took a long inhale of his cigarette and held it for several seconds. The exhale was even longer and—though it was aimed toward the opened window—some of it drifted Evan's way and he coughed, waving his hand to clear it from his face. If Connor noticed, he didn't react. Instead, he reached into his back pocket, pulled out a wallet, and counted a number of bills before handing them to Evan. Evan looked down to it. Was he dismissing him? Did he have to go now? 

"Can I—I mean, you can say no, that's totally your right, but... can I stay? I mean, until my next period starts?" Evan didn't look up. He heard Connor take another inhale and felt the sting in his eyes when he exhaled again. 

"I know I asked and all, but..." Connor hesitated and Evan looked up. Connor had shifted his gaze down to the steering wheel with a furrowed brow and a frown. "I mean..." He stopped again. "Why are you letting me do this to you?" Connor finally looked over to him. 

Evan was surprised by the question. He blushed as he fumbled for an answer he didn't even really know himself. "Sorry… I-I mean, I just thought... maybe we could—I dunno, it's not like I don't like it, if that's what you're asking. I mean, sure it—the middle, like before I'm used to it, is a little uncomfortable, but everything else is—I mean, it's...good." He looked back down to his hands. 

Connor sighed and flicked his cigarette out the window. "You should go to class." 

"Yeah, I mean—I can totally do that." But he didn't move. 

Connor sucked his teeth and turned to him just as Evan looked up. "...I'm gonna drive home from school." 

Evan smiled a little giddily. Just finished and already ready for round two apparently. "Okay." 

"Go to class." 

"Okay." Evan grabbed his bag and shoved the cash into his pencil case. He got out of the car and headed back to the school building and toward the library to wait for his last period, his limp slightly harder to hide than this morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Friday!  
> Unpopular opinion of the week: this self isolation has been amazing. I'm really introverted, but like, high-functioning, so I have a tendency to plan too many things and overwork myself and get exhausted, but this break has been very relaxing because I got to drop everything without ditching the responsibility. It's been a little crowded at my house because we have cousins staying with us to keep their elderly parents completely isolated, but still good.  
> Also! I'm working on a handful short stories (ranging between 100-10,000 words so far) and am hoping to start getting some of those posted within the next week to two, depending on how much time I find for them. This is a great opportunity for requests, if any of you have plots that have been gnawing at you as well as a great time for me to warn you to keep an eye out for them since I probably won't be posting those on my normal schedule.  
> Back to the main topic, I hope you all liked the chapter. This one is fun because it's where you get to see the major branching point from the plot holes and adds more depth to the story. Let me know what you think! Comments are amazing! Love you all!  
> 3268 words  
> 4/10/20


	4. The Pain it Comes With

Evan yelped when Jared threw his arm over his shoulder. It was partly due to being surprised, but also partly due to being sore and having his muscles moved too quickly hurt. He glanced around them to see if anyone was staring at them. No one was. 

"So, have you decided to tell me who it was yet?" Jared snickered, seemingly not caring that Evan was being forced to crouch nearly a foot under his weight. Evan had realized sometime last summer that Jared was insecure of his height and Evan's two inches on him. Knowing this however, did not stop Evan from getting annoyed with his antics on occasion. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Evan tried to shake Jared off, but he held fast. 

"Come on, Evan, you don't get that shine off masturbation alone. You got it good. Now tell me, who was it?" 

Evan sighed dramatically. 

"Don't make me guess. Cause I will and—" 

"Look, it wasn't like that." Evan said, looking away, "I just... had a good day, okay?" 

Jared smirked and sent him a knowing wink. "Right, a good day." 

Evan ducked and pulled away to get out of Jared's grip, "Look, I have to go. I'll see you later." 

"Go? Where are you going?" 

"Home." 

Jared frowned, "You know I can tell when you're lying, right?" 

"I'm not lying." His voice rose defensively despite him telling the truth. 

"Whatever, man." Jared said, obviously not believing Evan as he turned to walk in the opposite direction. 

Evan waited until the majority of the students had left before walking out to the parking lot. Connor was in his car with the window rolled down, scrolling through his phone with sunglasses and his hair pulled back. It must've gotten hot. 

"Hi there." Evan said, immediately regretting it as it sounded stupider out loud than it had in his head. "Sorry." 

Connor turned to look at him and nodded to the opposite side of the car. When Evan got in, Connor turned the car on, rolled up the window, and pulled his glasses to rest on his head. 

"Change of plans." He said, not even looking to Evan as he put the car in reverse and leaned on Evan's seat to see behind him as he backed out. "My sister has band and my parents are at a company dinner. No one will be home before six. I'll take you home later." 

The way he'd said it didn't really sound like Evan had an option. 

"That okay?" Connor asked, putting the car into drive and glancing to him. 

"Yeah—I mean, of course. Why wouldn't it be." Evan pulled his backpack to his lap and picked at his nails, glad he hadn't been given much homework to do for the night. He'd only need thirty minutes to an hour to finish it up. Technically this change of events made him a liar, but it wouldn't be the first time. 

Connor nodded. 

The drive to Connor's house didn't take long at all. Evan found he had barely paid any attention to his location and only noticed it when Connor entered a neighborhood known for its higher income families. House after house, street after street. Identical white picket fence, perfect lawn, rich-screaming houses. Most were two stories but once every few would be owned by someone ambitious that had upgraded to three. Kids were playing and adults were chatting with neighbors. A mailman walked door to door delivering letters. A child played with her puppy in the grass. It was the picture of stereotypical rich suburbia. 

"Gross, I know." Connor said, glancing at Evan as he stopped at a stop sign. 

"Oh, I don't—um, why do you say that?" 

"Everyone likes to pretend their lives are perfect, but everyone is messed up." 

Evan turned to look back out at the yards. 

"Look here," Connor pointed to a woman jogging with a baby stroller. She waved to him with a smile and Connor waved back with a grimace, "That baby is the result of her cheating on her husband. He doesn't know it though. Or him—," Connor pointed to a boy that was grabbing a catalog from his mailbox. He was in that awkward stage where it was difficult to tell whether he was a teenager or adult. "He's who I buy pot from." 

Connor turned a corner and pulled into the driveway of one of the houses. This one had a fancy wreath on the door and a vintage-looking bench in the lawn. 

They got out and headed inside. Evan stared up at the glistening chandelier that hung in the middle of the circular entryway. Light blue-gray walls were accented with a white tiled staircase and navy colored paintings, stools, and chairs. 

"This way," Connor said, heading up the stairs and down a hallway. Evan followed closely behind, eyes wide as he took in the richness of it all. He felt like he shouldn't even be touching the ground, the ivory carpets were so clean and pristine. Pictures of the family adorned the light peach walls of the hall, most of them looking like they'd been taken professionally and all of them hanging in matching, red-orange picture frames. The few pictures Evan's mom had gotten around to hanging up had all been cheap ones taken with a disposable camera. They mostly stopped around the age of seven after his dad left. 

Connor's door had a speed limit sign that had been painted with thin lines of paint to say "FUCK THE RULES" in a lopsided manner right over the previous contents. Evan followed him into the room. 

The bedroom was a stark contrast to the rest of the house. Dark gray walls and an unkept bed. A hamper in the corner with more clothes around it than in it. Personal items ranged from an electric guitar to an overfilled bookshelf to a tv monitor set up with a game console Evan was unfamiliar with. Probably an older version of a PlayStation. Not that he would know. He only ever played with Jared. All of the furnishings matched, but the black wood was chipped and peeling back, in some places looking almost on purpose, and duct tape had been wrapped around several posts and placed in strips along the sides. Whether for the aesthetic or because the furniture was actually falling apart, Evan didn't know. The closet door also appeared to be propped by only one hinge rather than two. Evan felt more at ease in this room. His presence disturbed it less than the rest of the house. 

"Your room is really nice." Evan said, standing awkwardly at the door with his bag in his arms. 

“Sure.” Connor said as he bent under his bed and pulled out a box, setting it on his desk. Connor then took Evan's bag from his hands and tossed it toward the other side of the room. Evan didn’t even register it hitting as Connor's lips crashed on his own and pulled him close. Evan felt as Connor ran his hands through his hair, the mysterious class ring pulling slightly at the tips of the strands, but not enough to be painful. Evan placed his hands at Connor’s sides, feeling gently as the hem of his hoodie rose up and his skin was exposed. 

Connor shifted slightly, weaving one of his legs through Evan’s and pressing them flush together. Evan could feel Connor's growing sex against his thigh and the heat it produced. Connor pulled back first, resting their foreheads together and breathing heavily into the space between them. He licked his lips. 

"I wanna try something. You can tell me to stop if you need. Just say it and I will." 

Evan nodded but knew he probably wouldn't. Even uncomfortable, Evan felt obliged to do anything Connor wanted. Connor was paying. He didn't feel he could tell him no. 

Connor led Evan to the bed and pushed him to sit on it. He kissed him again, leaning back on Evan's shoulders until his back hit the bed and their teeth clinked momentarily. Evan tried to help adjust as Connor climbed on top of him, guiding him to lie properly on the bed and running his hands down Evan's sides gently. The kisses were soft and gentle then building in heat, clashing like a war with teeth colliding and tongues fighting for dominance., then they'd slow, long and lazy. 

Connor drew back and reached for the box he'd set out earlier. He pulled out several formal ties, all varying black designs and one still in the packaging. Connor kissed him again and at the same time, his hands came up to tie one of the ties around Evan's eyes. Evan let out a shuttering breath as Connor pulled back to check the knot and readjust it to the side of Evan's head. The silk was soft and the knot tight, but not tight enough to be uncomfortable. He jerked slightly when he felt movement on his eye before realizing Connor was kissing it, soft and gentle. He kissed the other eye. Connor then grasped Evan's right wrist, lifting it above his head to tie to the headboard. The one he knew was black and chipped and wrapped in duct tape. Evan gave an experimental tug and found the tie held fast. Connor kissed his fingers each individually then pulled his casted arm up gently to be tied loosely next to his other with another tie. 

“You know, I never signed your cast.” Connor said almost as if he’d been thinking about it for awhile. 

“Oh-uh, that’s alright. It’s probably a good thing you didn’t.” Evan said, then continued because he felt that it sounded mean as is. “S-sorry! I mean, because otherwise we’d have to explain it and people might catch on to—well… this.” 

Connor huffed a short laugh. “You’re probably right.” 

Evan was going to go on about how it was going to be taken off pretty soon anyway—his eight weeks was coming up pretty fast—but he didn’t get it out when Connor’s hands began sliding up his shirt then scraped down his chest. It wasn’t hard enough to break skin, but enough to leave tingling red marks in their wake. He hissed at the sensation. 

His shirt was left half up and Connor moved to kisses, lining them down to his navel before licking a stripe along the hem of his jeans. Evan gasped in a breath. Fuck. How did that feel so good? 

Connor hopped off the bed and Evan could hear rustling on the other side of the room. A door, a zipper. 

“C-Connor?” Evan called right before he felt the dip of the bed beside him. 

“Here.” Connor said and set his findings beside Evan. Something rolled against him and Evan shivered at the cold feel of—presumably—the lube bottle. 

Connor’s fingers worked at his button and zipper then slid his pants down, his boxers following only halfway and being pulled down and tossed aside as well. More rustling and another soft thud and Evan assumed Connor had gotten undressed as well. Strangely enough, he found being blindfolded helped with his anxiety about being naked in front of another person. 

Hands returned to Evans sides and Connor peppered kisses down Evan’s hip bones and thighs, sucking every few and nipping gently at the skin there. While it was a surprise, it wasn’t that surprising. Beneath his pants were pretty fair game for hickeys considering no one would see them, though Evan couldn’t remember if the experience of getting the one on his neck was actually this awkward. It felt weird, but then again, maybe a little good? It was hard to tell when you were having bruises sucked into your thigh. Evan was, however, very surprised when a long hot stripe of Connor’s tongue slid along his slightly erect member. Evan gasped and his knees worked against him, squeezing together at the sensation only to get stuck when Connor’s head got in the way. Connor let out a puffing laugh and his hands gently guided Evan’s knees back down. The sensation returned as Connor licked along the underside of his shaft and Evan literally moaned at the feeling. He sucked and licked for only a moment more before pulling back. Evan let out a heavy breath and realized sweat had slicked his body and his thighs were trembling. 

Connor pushed Evan’s knees up to his chest and Evan felt Connor take the lube by his side and flip the cap. The tube made a fart sound when Connor squirted some directly onto Evan’s anus and Evan flinched slightly at the cold as it hit then dribbled down his crack and back. Connor used a finger to swipe it up before rubbing gently at Evan’s hole and returning to sucking his dick. Just as his finger pushed passed the ring of muscle, Connor's lips came fully around the head of Evan’s member. Evan’s breath caught in his throat and he gasped and shook. Connor’s free hand returned to Evan’s shin to hold it up for better access then he sucked and Evan tried to pull his hands away from the bed, but the ties did their job and held fast. 

When Evan had been loosened enough by the first finger, a second joined in as well. They scissored around and Evan threw his head back against the pillow. Connor pulled back from Evan’s erection, which was probably a good thing considering he didn’t know how much longer he could hold out. Precum had covered the tip and Evan could feel it drying slowly against his skin along with Connor’s saliva. Tight and slightly itchy. 

Connor twisted his fingers inside him once more before placing a third finger at his entrance. It pushed passed gently and Connor’s lips returned to his hips and thighs and groin. The third finger entered slowly as Evan grunted, adjusting to the change. As Connor approached the knuckle, Evan felt something catch on the rim of his hole and he let out a quiet, “Wha—?” just before the object pushed passed the skin. Evan let out a quick hiss through his teeth and couldn’t stop from clenching as the sharp sting lit up. Connor pulled back and quickly removed his fingers. “Shit.” 

Evan panted, “What—?” 

“Shit!” Connor said, “Evan, I’m so sorry.” He could feel the rapid movements of something blotting gently at his hole. 

“What—?” 

“Fuck!” 

Evan heard the bed creak and flinched when he heard a loud clack-clack-theu-thud on the dresser beside him. 

“Connor, what happened?” Evan asked. He couldn’t imagine what had happened that had caused Connor to freak out like this. 

Connor sighed. “You’re bleeding.” There was a clap of skin on skin. 

“Oh.” Evan furrowed his brows. Well that would explain the sting, but what was the big deal? “What do you mean?” 

“My ring, I—“ Connor stopped and Evan pictured Connor running his fingers through his hair. Pretty nasty considering they were probably covered in lube and had been up Evan’s ass. Connor sighed. “I forgot about my ring... and now your bleeding.” 

“We don’t—I mean, I don’t have to go to a hospital do I?” 

“No, no. This should be fine to take care of at home.” 

“Then what’s the problem?” 

“Evan, you cannot have sex when you’ve got a torn anus.” Connor deadpanned. 

“O-oh.” Evan could feel the heat in his cheeks. 

Connor whispered a quiet ‘fuck’ and sighed. 

“Connor?” 

“Shh. I’m thinking.” 

Evan clenched his jaw shut. A moment passed and Connor shifted at his knees. He thought Connor would untie him and tell him to get lost, but his hands never came and instead he heard the click and squirt of the lube followed by heavy breaths. What was he doing? Evan twisted his wrists to see if he could break free himself, but he didn’t put that much enthusiasm into it and it didn’t really work. Connor placed a hand on Evan’s thigh and Evan furrowed his brow. What was going on? 

It wasn’t until Connor started moving over him that Evan realized what was happening. Connor planned to ride him. 

“C-Connor?! What are you doing?” He blushed fiercely and felt the fire climb up to his ears and down his chest. 

Connor froze. “Do you not want me to?” 

Evan’s mouth dropped slightly, “I-I—….I just. What—“ 

“It’s okay if you don’t. I get it alright. I’m not gonna freak out or anything.” 

Evan was slightly confused as to why Connor felt the need to reassure him he wouldn’t freak out, but maybe that just meant he should have been more concerned about that from the beginning. 

“It’s not—I’m just confused.” 

“Well I planned on bottoming.” 

“But why?” 

“Why not?” 

Evan swallowed hard. 

“Do you want me to?” 

His lip trembled and Evan found himself giving a hesitant nod that turned more confident by the third time around. 

Connor’s hand ran along Evan’s member to stiffen it up once again, having deflated some from first the pain then having not been touched for several minutes. Evan took in a deep breath when Connor finished rolling a condom on and let go. He arranged himself above and his hand guided Evan gently to his hole. As his head pushed passed the ring of muscle, all the air he had been holding in blew out of him in a solid gasp. 

“C-Connor.” He gasped, his hands pulling at the ties before clenching into fists. He felt the sharp sting of his nails in his palms and used that to ground him as his body hurled toward cloud 9. 

“Shh.” Connor said before grunting. He slid all the way onto Evan then leaned forward to kiss Evan while he adjusted. Connor was so tight against his erection and his lips so soft. He had never once imagined this scenario. Never once thought of even the possibility. He never would have taken Connor to be the type of guy to bottom for someone else, let alone him. It was exhilarating. 

Connor began to move way sooner than either of the times Evan had tried. He pulled up on his knees before coming back down slowly to meet Evan’s hips. The movement and pressure combined were amazing and Evan felt his eyes rolling back behind the blindfold. Connor was leaning over him and panting, the puffs of hot breath hitting Evan on his stomach. Connor twisted his hips as he bounced, likely in search of the thing Evan had become very familiar with over the last two days. He knew that Connor had found it when he clenched against Evan and let out quick little pants of shaky breath. Evan moaned against the feeling. 

It wasn’t long at all before they’d both gotten off. Evan much sooner than Connor who pulled off and stroked himself until finished. 

Evan panted as Connor collapsed beside him. A bang reverberated and he realized Connor must have hit his head from the soft chuckles that escaped his lips and danced across his forearm. 

"That was good." Connor breathed. Evan felt him shift and a moment later, the blindfold was pushed up to his forehead. "What'd you think?" 

Evan stared into Connor's eyes. "You have pretty eyes." He said, before letting his mind filter it and realized too late that he should have let it. A blush grew on his cheeks and Connor's brows rose slightly. "I-I mean, I.... couldn't... see?" 

Connor chuckled, "That's what the blindfold was for." 

"Yeah." 

Connor reached up to untie the knots at Evan's wrists. He found, once he had them back, that he didn't really know what to do with hands anymore and laid them awkwardly on his stomach. The experience had been good. He'd felt like everything was amplified from not being able to see, probably because he was so focused on his senses so he could tell what was going on around him. There was also something that had been exciting about being tied to the bed. He'd been nervous, but glad the experience had gone as it did. He was still a little giddy from the chemicals released during his orgasm. And a little hungry. 

After Evan had taken care of the used condom, they laid back down. Connor breathed deeply as he rested on his stomach beside Evan and his eyes fluttered closed. "You got two choices," his voice was already starting to sound hoarse and ready for sleep. "I can take you back in an hour or two once I've had a nap, or you can walk." 

"I can wait." Evan said. His brows furrowed. "Do you-um... Can I stay? Here, I mean. Or do you want me to move to the floor, cause that's totally—" 

Connor interrupted him with a finger to his lips. His eyes squinted and his lips curved in a humorous smirk, "You talk too much... You can stay." 

He removed his hand to pull the duvet up to his shoulder, bringing it up most of the way on Evan in the process. Evan adjusted it. 

"We'll have to take a break until you're healed though." 

"H-healed?" 

Connor squinted at him, "The tears? The blood? You have to let it heal." 

"O-oh, okay." Evan said. That made sense. His brows furrowed and he turned his gaze to his cast, picking at some of the loose strings. He needed to stop doing that, it would probably mess it up and then they would have to buy a new one and it would be expensive and his mom would have to pick up an extra shift when she was already super busy... he consciously moved his hand away. "I-I still don't know how it happened." 

Connor sat up quickly and jumped off the bed, still naked, and looked across his dresser before getting on his knees to check the floor in front and under his bed. Evan sat up and watched. Connor looked around for a moment before standing and checking behind the dresser. Evan saw the tension drain from Connor's shoulders as he sighed and began to pull out his dresser. He grabbed something from behind and pushed the dresser back into place. When he got back into the bed and laid down, Evan followed. Connor slid his class ring onto his finger and let out a breath. 

Connor cleared his throat and wiped at the ring. "I... I forgot to take this off. It caught or something, maybe pinched, but whatever happened, it caused this." 

"What is that?" 

"It's a class ring." 

"I know that, I mean, why are you wearing it?" 

Connor looked up to him them back to it. His eyes looked sad. "I was really close with my grandpa. He passed away over the summer... This was his." He shoved his hands under the blanket. "Sorry." 

"Don't be... it's alright." 

"No, it's not. You're hurt." 

Evan was. His butt hurt. It wasn't so bad at first, but now it felt scabbed and when he moved the scab pulled and it itched. "I'll get better." 

Connor sighed, "… okay." 

He closed his eyes and Evan stared at him awhile, watching him drift off before closing his eyes and trying to sleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for coming back!  
> I really enjoyed fixing the kinks in this chapter. I realized very quickly that there was no way for Connor to actually have any sex toys as posted in the original. If his parents admitted to checking his email and if he's known for smoking pot, I imagine his parents would search his room on occasion, which means that toys were out. Either way, the changes here allowed me to fix the uncertainty about the accident and pull more plot into the sex. I can't wait to get into the rest!  
> Comments are water, Kudos are food. Need both to survive ;)  
> Love you all and see you next week!
> 
> 3875 words  
> 4/17/20


	5. Spilled

Evan awoke to the faint sound of a door slamming. His eyes shot open and disorientation told him he needed to hide before the robbers got him, but then he blinked... and he realized he was not in his bedroom. Movement to his side drew his attention and he turned to see Connor shifting slightly. The brunet blew out a breath and settled back into sleep.

...Oh yeah.

Evan ignored the discomfort in his lower regions as he shook Connor's shoulder gently. "Connor... Connor, I think someone's here." He whispered.

Connor didn't budge.

Evan looked back to the door then to his pants and shoes and socks that had been strung across the floor. He carefully slipped out of bed, wincing and easing his way into any movement that caused his ass to sting or his hips to ache. He grabbed his boxers, tugged them on, then went for his pants. 

Connor hummed and Evan turned to see him staring with sleepy eyes and a small smile on his face, "Hey."

"Hey," Evan whispered back, pulling his jeans over his legs, "I heard a door. I think someone's here."

Connor's smile dropped and his brows furrowed as he reached for his phone on the dresser. "It's only 5:37, no one should be home yet."

Evan buttoned his pants, "Oh... yeah... I think I still—I mean, I was half asleep—but I'm pretty sure I heard a door."

Connor groaned slightly and eventually stood. Evan found himself slightly giddy that Connor now had a limp to match his own. The brunet quickly dressed then walked to the door. 

"I'll go scout it out." He whispered then left, barely opening the door as he squeezed through, and closed it behind him.

Evan busied himself with putting on his socks then shoes, tying up the laces. Connor came back in and quietly closed the door.

"It's my sister. They finished up early."

Evan blushed and couldn't help thinking about what would have happened had she found them cuddled up on the bed. He ducked his head to hide it and picked at his cast— _stop it_ —then shoved his hand in his pocket.

"So, how are we getting out?" He asked.

Connor paced back and forth for several minutes before going to his window. Evan's heart jumped to his throat when Connor opened the window. Flashes of branches and the drop of his stomach and falling. His hands were shaking. He turned back to Evan and the blond prepared for the worst.

And then Connor walked to his bag and pulled his keys from the front pocket. "Let's go." He headed for the door.

Evan's voice came out shaky, "But... your sister?"

Connor sighed and his head bobbed a bit, "Look, she doesn't know I'm gay, okay? If she sees us together, she'll just think I had a friend over. Hopefully we can avoid that, but there really isn't any other way out of the house."

Evan's eyes dropped, "...the window?"

Connor breathed a laugh, "Depends on if you're willing to break your other arm." 

Evan looked up to him and the worry that had been there must have shown because Connor's eyes softened.

"It's for the smell." He flipped off the lights and opened the door before whispering, "Come on."

"R-right." Evan followed closely behind and together they walked right out of the house without any accidental meet and greets. Once in the car, Connor started it and left. 

"You said you broke your arm from falling out of a tree, right?" Connor asked about five minutes into the drive.

Evan swallowed and glanced at Connor through the corner of his eye. "Y-yeah. I was a park ranger over the summer and there was this really huge oak tree and I thought I'd climb it, but when I got really high, I lost my grip and I fell." He picked at his nails and stared at his lap.

Connor grunted to acknowledge he'd heard, "That's got to be one of the saddest fucking things I've ever heard."

"Yeah," Evan said quietly, "that's what you said when I told you the first time."

"Oh..."

"It's alright. I'm sure I forget lots of conversations too." Evan knew it was a lie, his anxiety had him cataloging everything ever said to him in his life, but still. "Plus, you had other stuff on your mind anyway."

Evan remembered that much. That had been the day Connor had asked to start all this. 

It wasn't too long before they got there. Fortunately, his mom's car was not there and Connor pulled up the drive way so Evan could hop out. 

"Evan."

Evan turned back, just before he could slam the door shut. Was he ready to go again? Connor held out a wad of bills and Evan stared at them for a moment. Oh, yeah... that had been part of the deal, hadn't it? Evan took it slowly and slid it into his pocket.

"Give me your number." Connor said, pulling his phone out. 

Evan recited it. It was precisely three seconds after, when Connor turned to look at him as if he should be expecting something, that it dawned on him. "I-I think I left my bag at your place."

Connor sighed and Evan wanted to disappear. Connor must have noticed Evan's tension because he quickly tried to assure him. "It's okay, I'll stop by this evening after my parents have gone to their room. Look for me around ten."

Evan nodded and mumbled a quiet, "Thanks."

"Talk to you later." Connor said and Evan took that as his cue to close the door and step back so Connor could leave. He didn't back out until Evan had grabbed the key from under the mat and had unlocked the door. He opened it and put the key back in its original position before going inside. 

His first stop was the kitchen. He grabbed a glass from the cabinet and turned on the tap to fill it. He sort of needed the bathroom too, but didn't know how that experience would go, considering. He'd also need to get his mom's computer so he could do some of his homework. He wouldn't be able to do all of it without his backpack, but at least part of it. When the glass filled, he turned off the tap and pulled the glass to his lips.

"Where the hell were you?"

Evan jumped a mile and dropped the glass. The shattering at his feet caused his heart to leap to his throat for the second time that day. He turned to see Jared behind him looking simultaneously angry and amused. 

"J-Jared?! What are you doing here?" He nearly yelled after processing what had happened. The scare had hit him hard and now he could feel the grips of panic clawing at his mind and chest and stomach and—oh God! He'd need to get a Xanax, but there was glass on the floor. Someone could get hurt. That had to be his priority. Stay calm. Just stay calm. You're not dying. 

His hands shook furiously as he reached down to pick up the largest pieces of glass. At least he had been wearing tennis shoes. Jared came over to help clean it up, which Evan couldn't help noticing was oddly out of character for him.

"You said you'd be home after school, so I figured I'd drop by, but you weren't home, so I took the liberty of letting myself in. B-T-W, you should really choose a new hiding spot for your spare. Under the rug and above the door are the first places a robber looks."

Evan looked up to him incredulously, "Seriously? Okay, hold on. First of all, did you just use an acronym in a sentence?" He took the pieces he'd collected to the trash. Jared followed.

"I did, and you can't make me feel ashamed of it." 

"Okay, whatever." Evan grabbed some paper towels to soak up some of the water. "Why are you in my house? Normally, if you go and no one is home, you go home; not break and enter." The paper towels weren't working. He stood and tried to keep them from dripping everywhere as he threw them away.

"I didn't break anything." Jared smirked. 

Evan practically slammed the paper towels into the trash and gestured to the broken glass with shaking hands and a red face.

"Technically, you broke that."

"But you made me!" Evan stepped back to the mess. "You can't sneak up on people like that!"

Jared's face fell. "Yeah, but if I hadn't, I never would have seen you getting out of Connor's car with a chunk of cash."

Evan's stomach dropped. He was going to puke. Evan turned away to grab the broom from the laundry room, anything to dismiss himself from this conversation for just one more minute.

"What the hell is going on, Evan?" Jared asked as he followed.

"N-nothing!" It sounded defensive, he knew, but he couldn't stop it. He could feel tears starting to build up in the corner of his eyes. 

"Really?! Because to me, it looks like Connor Murphy is fucking you and paying you to do it."

Evan fast walked back out to the kitchen. "That's—um," breathe, Evan. "Why would you think that?" He focused on the glass and the tears. Sweep it up, force them back. Methodical. Easy.

"Evan, you've been limping all day at school and he just gave you a shit-ton of money. If my conclusions are drawn to prostitution, you can't blame me. Now are you going to admit to it or are you going to give me a logical explanation as to why I saw him handing you a bunch of money after getting out of his car hours after you said you'd be home."

"It was—I mean," Evan tried to catch his breath, "I loaned him some money and he was paying me back."

Jared scoffed, "We both know that's a lie."

"I mean—I just—I can't,—" He was hyperventilating. 

Jared's furrowed brow softened slightly and he reached over to rub at his back. The tears had fallen. He didn't know what to say and he didn't have any excuse. Jared would find out and then everyone would find out. His mom would kick him out because who could ever love someone who cared about themselves so little as to prostitute themselves out, right? He'd be homeless and alone and then he'd have to leave town and turn to real prostitution because Connor wouldn't want anything to do with him. 

Before he'd even realized what was happening, his knees were buckling and Jared was yelling something about glass and he was being pulled from the kitchen. Jared pulled him to the living room and pushed him to the couch before leaving the room.

Of course he'd leave. Everyone would. He'd be left alone and everyone would hate him because he was a mess and he was stupid. He was just a fuck up. He should have just stayed under that tree forever. 

In attempt to slow his racing heart and silence his intrusive thoughts, Evan curled up in the corner of the couch and buried his forehead into his knees. A prick on his knee caught his attention and he looked up through watery eyes to see small shards of glass sticking out of his jeans. He couldn't tell if any had broken skin, but it probably had.

"Damn. Five seconds of interaction and it ends in a panic attack." Jared mumbled under his breath as he walked back into the room carrying the first aid kit they stored in the bathroom and a glass of water. There was something else in his hand, but Evan couldn't see it. Jared set the kit down on the coffee table and held the glass out to Evan.

Evan gingerly took it and Jared opened his hand to show the Xanax medication. Evan quickly swallowed the pills and finished the glass. Jared took it back and set it on the coffee table. Then, he stood up straight and put his hands on his hips.

"Strip."

Evan blushed and instead started to shakily roll the cuffs of his pants up. At least he'd stopped crying, though there was still the puffy eyes and tear streaks as evidence.

Jared swatted at his hands. "No, don't do that. You'll just push more glass into your knee. Take your pants off."

Evan didn't budge, instead staring like a deer in the headlights. His heart wouldn't stop racing and he wished they would develop a faster acting anxiety medication so he wouldn't have to deal with this awkward time between when he took it and when he felt better. He knew that he had hickeys on his thighs. He knew there were several. He knew they would be visible. Jared would see them and be able to confirm his already very solid suspicions. 

"Evan, so help me, I will strip you myself."

Evan stared for a few more moments before reaching for his buttons with shaking hands. He pulled his pants off and sat in his boxers and polo, blushing as he crossed his arms across himself and ducked his head.

If Jared saw anything, he didn't comment, instead grabbing a pair of tweezers and beginning the task of plucking glass from Evan's skin. It stung, but helped ground him in the present while he waited for the Xanax to take over.

Jared mumbled curses under his breath as he worked, switching between tweezers and a damp cloth every time the blood pooled enough for it to hide the glass. By the time he'd finished, Evan felt calmer and listened when Jared instructed him to rest his legs straight against the coffee table so they could be properly bandaged. 

"We're not done talking about the Murphy thing." Jared said as he peeled the back off of the off-brand Band-Aids with his teeth. 

"...I know." Evan whispered, leaning his head back against the sofa and closing his eyes. He was exhausted and didn't want to have this conversation, but now was a better time than any other.

"Is he forcing you?"

Evan's face scrunched up, "No." He said indignantly.

"Okay, so then why on earth are you doing it?"

Evan looked down to his hands, bit found when he did, Jared's face was only a few inches to the side of them and instead turned to look at the bookshelf. "It's not like I don't like it—I mean, I tore a little, I think, but overall experience has been good. He pays a lot too, and college is expensive and I keep leaving it to my mom, so I thought I could help a little. I mean—I've already earned, like, a thousand dollars.—"

"Seriously?" Jared interrupted. He didn't sound as against it anymore. "How much is he paying you?"

"It varies a little, but has been around three hundred each time.

Jared's face paled and his jaw dropped. "Three. Hundred. Dollars..."

"I thought it was a lot at first too, but when I looked it up, the average is somewhere between two-sixty and three-forty, so..."

"Wait. Average for what?"

Evan felt squeamish under Jared's gaze, "...The rate for prostitutes."

Jared scoffed. "Well, good. At least you're aware of what you're doing." He went quiet for a moment before looking up to Evan with a grimace. "Does your mom know?"

Evan shook his head, "Of course not. If I had any say, you wouldn't even know."

Jared chuckled, "Too bad for you. I'm perceptive. My mom says I could go into FBI work after college. 

Evan chuckled with him, "Sure."

"You don't believe me do you!" Jared scoffed, "Ye of little faith, do you have no trust in my abilities."

"Yup."

Jared sighed as he finished covering the last cut and leaned back on his arms. "I'm starving, we should order pizza."

Even through the Xanax fuzz, his stomach twisted. "I'll order if you get it from the door."

Jared laughed, "Able to have sex with the school shooter but unable to exchange pizza and money in his own house. What kind of person does that make you?"

"Hey! Sex doesn't require talking or change counting or anything like that."

Jared shivered, "Never mind. I did not need that image in my mind. Change of subject."

Evan nodded and leaned his elbows on his thighs above his knees. "...You're not gonna—like... tell anybody... right?"

Jared was quiet for a moment. Finally he leaned forward and rubbed his eyes behind his glasses. "No. Your secret's safe."

"Can you not—um, you know, confront Connor about it either?"

Jared sighed heavily, "Whatever."

Evan nodded, "Thank you."

"Now order that pizza," Jared batted at Evan's shin. "I'm starving."

Evan chuckled and stood up to get his mom's laptop from her room. "Right."

It was times like these that Evan forgot how often Jared insisted on their family-friendship bonds. It was times like these that Evan believed they were truly friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I can not wait for summer to come already...  
> 2852 words  
> 4/24/20


	6. Lies Continue

Evan usually spent his Saturday mornings catching up on homework or watching YouTube videos. Typically, his mom would be gone and the empty house would be the perfect time for him to over think things and finish the things he had procrastinated on, like the paper that was due next Friday for a book he hadn't started or the math problems that he'd gotten stuck on and would have to spend some extra time on. Instead, Evan spent this particular Saturday morning on his laptop researching. He hadn’t known about the possibility of tearing during anal sex and was sure there was much more he didn't know.

He was right.

Enemas, diets, hygiene habits... There were all sorts of things that were supposed to be beneficial to a gay relationship—scratch that—sex. Sex was a good term for it. That's all it was. Two teenage boys having sex.

Evan blushed as he read tutorials on what the purpose of an enema was and the benefits provided by its usage. Had Connor been the type to dislike dirty? He hadn't mentioned anything, so maybe he didn't care? Evan hadn't even known it wasn't supposed to be dirty. It was a butt after all. Did he care? Was he supposed to care?

By the time he'd finished his research on the topic, he'd also made a purchase through Amazon for an enema bulb. It was supposed to arrive on Tuesday which would be perfect since his mom wouldn't get home until eight. That gave him plenty of time to get home before the package was delivered and open it himself. His stomach flipped at the thought of his mom getting the package before him. What would she say? Would she even know what it was? Of course she would, she's a nurse. Surely there were medical uses for enemas too. This only meant that she would know immediately what Evan had gotten it for and would be disgusted and disappointed and—

No. He would do it. It would be okay…

A knock at his door caused his heart to jump to his throat and he slammed the scream of the laptop down before turning to greet his mom. 

"H-hey. What are you doing here? I thought you had work?" He thought that sounded rude; like her being here had somehow messed up his plans to sit on his laptop all day, but she'd scared him and had she not knocked, which happened on occasion, she would have seen the order confirmation with the picture of a big black enema bulb and it all would have gone downhill from there.

She looked surprised by his reaction as she walked forward. "It's two-thirty. I finished my shift and have an hour 'til my study group is meeting."

"O-oh." Evan turned to his clock to confirm it. 2:34 flashed back at him.

Her eyes fixed on his laptop for a moment as she stepped up to his bed. "Anyway, I was just checking in on you. See what you want for dinner?" She pulled out a stack of papers from her purse.

"Anything is fine." Evan said. He picked at his nails. He'd need to clip them. One of the sites had said that short, clean nails were a must for bottoming. Now that he'd thought about it, Connor’s nails, though still covered in chipped black polish, had been basically nubs, filed down as far as they'd go. Did he know about this or was it just coincidence?

"Okay." She sat down on the edge, "Hey, so I was thinking. One of my coworkers had the radio on this morning and there was a broadcast about scholarships. NPR did a whole thing about them, there are hundreds you can do."

She handed him half of the stack and he flipped through them. “I spent my break printing them out. _The John F Kennedy Profile in Courage scholarship_ —three thousand dollars, _Henry Davis Thoreau Society—_ five thousand dollars,”

“Wow, yeah. This is great.” He set the stack back by his feet. At the rate he was going, would he even need scholarships? He'd already made nearly a thousand dollars in two days. Sure, college was expensive and he'd gotten hurt, but Connor was a horny teenage boy. Once Evan learned how to properly take care of himself they'd be right back at it again, right? He picked at his cast— _stop it—_ as his mom continued talking.

"College is gonna be great for you, honey."

"...Yeah, I know"

"Wish I could go with you..."

Evan stayed silent. He wasn't about to encourage that train of thought, but any verbal complaint would crush her. 

"...Anyway, I just thought it was a good idea."

"Definitely." He hoped it didn't sound sarcastic.

Heidi ran her fingers through the back of Evan's hair. He gave a closed lip smile and turned to her.

"You know what. Why don't I bag my shift on Tuesday and we can have dinner together? I mean, when's the last time we had a Taco Tuesday?"

Evan blanched, "I—uh..." Any day but Tuesday. "I can't."

"Yeah? What's up?" She sounded so dejected. 

"I—uh... I'm meeting a friend for a project." He lied. 

"A friend?" And immediately the perkiness was back.

"Yeah... Uh, Jared. It's due Wednesday and he's busy Monday, so..."

"Oh," she pursed her lips in thought. "Well, I guess we could have a Taco Wednesday. Doesn't run off the tongue as well, but it's the same for all intents and purposes, right?"

Evan smiled at her and nodded. How she bought the lie, he didn't know. He was an awful liar.

"Alright then." She looked to her watch and stood, "I better get going now. Don't wanna be late. I'll see you this evening, okay?"

"M'kay, mom. Have fun."

She left, closing the door behind her.

~~~~~~~~

Evan didn't hear from Connor again until Monday morning. He'd woken up to a text that asked him to get to school early and meet Connor in the locker room near the gym.

Of course, he didn't waste any time at all getting dressed and leaving the house. He said bye to his mom, giving off the explanation of meeting with a teacher before class started and left nearly 45 minutes earlier than usual.

When he got to the school, he dropped his books off at his locker before heading to the gym’s locker room. It was the biggest in the school, with showers and lockers and toilets. A couple boys were loitering in the showers, trying to finish in the twenty or so minutes left before the bell rang and Evan avoided eye contact as he walked farther into the bathroom.

He was about to call out quietly for Connor when hands grabbed him from behind, pulled him into a stall, and turned him around. Lips crashed to his and Evan felt the soft hair that brushed his face. His eyes opened momentarily to be sure, but closed when he saw that it was Connor and not some other pervert. His backpack fell from his fingers as they kissed and he pulled back to catch his breath when it became too much.

"You scared me." He whispered, panting heavily and hoping the spray of water coming for the other kids in the locker room would be enough to cover any noise they made. Then again, if anyone went near the stall they were in, they'd see two sets of feet and their secret would be out anyway. His heart beat wildly in his chest, hands shaking at the prospect of someone finding out. He wondered if Connor felt the same. 

"Sorry," Connor whispered back, his voice rough like he hadn't slept enough the night prior.

"How long have you been here?" Evan's brows furrowed as he took in the deep, dark circles under Connor's eyes.

"Since, like, three."

Evan pulled back a little more, "What? Three AM? How come?"

"Don't worry 'bout it," Connor dismissed and tried to lean back in. Evan hesitated only a moment before letting him, though the crudely changed subject was still fresh in mind. Why on earth would he have gotten here so early? Evan hadn't even known the doors were open that early in the morning. Unless they weren't?

Connor pulled back and pecked down his jaw and throat, one of his knees making way between Evan's. Evan could feel Connor's hot sex and felt bad. From what he'd seen of Connor so far, it wasn't likely that he'd try anything while Evan was still hurt. At least, not anything that had Evan bottoming. The websites he'd looked at over the weekend told him to expect anywhere from a few days to six weeks. As far as he could tell, he was definitely not healed yet. Bathroom visits had been painful and a clear testimony of that.

Connor's hand roamed Evan's chest and then down his sides and back up again. Then again, sex wasn’t the only form of relief. Whether that was why Connor had called him hear or not, Evan wanted to try. Evan timidly reached down until his cast-less hand was resting over the jeans hiding Connor's erection. Connor groaned before smothering it with Evan's neck. Connor's thighs tensed at the motion and Evan gave an experimental rub that caused the brunet to buck into his hands and heave gasps as he switched to licking at Evan's earlobe.

Evan took Connor's reaction as a good thing and gently palmed him through the fabric. He tilted his head as Connor's fingers slid into his hair and pulled, reattaching their lips. 

Evan worked at unbuttoning Connor's pants and pulled them down his hips to rest at his thigh as Connor ran his tongue along his bottom lip. Evan opened his mouth to allow access and slid his hand inside Connor's boxers, gripped him, and ran his hands along the length. Connor moaned quietly into his mouth and Evan smiled into the kiss. 

Connor gripped his shoulders as he neared climax and pulled back to rest his head on Evan's shoulder. He was shaking and Evan found himself wondering if he always shook as he neared orgasm. Had he just not noticed before now? It made sense, he thought. So far, every time Connor had been near orgasm, Evan had been as well.

Evan sped up his attempts, running his hand quicker across Connor's length and swiping his thumb across the top and along the base as he went. Connor's breath hitched and he covered his mouth with the hand nearest his head as he climaxed, sending hot seed throughout his boxers and coating Evans hand. Evan waited until Connors member had gone limp and he whined slightly at the touch before pulling his hand out and grabbing a wad of toilet paper to wipe off the semen.

Connor panted into his shoulder, his limbs trembling and Evan held him. He'd be content to stay like that forever. 

_Brrrrrrring!_

Connor jumped back and stared down as he quickly cleaned himself off and pulled his pants back up. Trembling hands pulled out his wallet and counted cash before sliding it into Evan's hand and leaving. 

Evan looked down to the amount and tried not to feel heavy. He shifted against tight jeans and grabbed his backpack to head to class. 

~~~~~~~~~~

At lunch, Jared slid into the bench across from him and greeted him with a sly smirk and a, "So if Murphy is getting in on the action, does that mean I get to too?"

"What? Jared, no." Evan tried to hide the blush that was creeping up his cheeks, but it wasn't working very well. He glanced over his shoulder quickly to make sure no one else in the cafeteria was listening in on their conversation. "And could you please keep it down?"

"Oh, don't get your panties in a twist. No one is paying any attention to us." Jared said, as he tossed a single-serving pack of carrots from his tray to Evan's side of the table and grabbed for Evan's paper bag lunch. He pulled a bag of Doritos out and opened them. "Besides, action could mean anything, so even if someone did hear, it's encrypted."

"Oh yes," Evan said, watching as Jared ate his chips. He didn't mind all that much and reached for the carrots that had been offered. "Because when you think of action, you think of anything but s—eh... you know."

Jared scoffed, "Well, no, that is the first thing I think of, but I have a dirty mind."

"Yeah, you and half of the school." Evan mumbled under his breath and crunched another carrot. He wasn't all that hungry, but he could already hear the ringing in his ears of his mom saying that it was important that he eat and that he was getting too skinny. She didn't need to know he'd lost another three pounds since the beginning of the semester. Evan startled when he was hit in the face by a Dorito. 

"Earth to Evan," Jared said, grabbing another chip and waving it in his face. Evan took it. "I said, how much have you made this weekend?"

"Not much. I kinda—like, not in a super bad way, but... I tore?"

Jared pulled the foil off of his hot dog, "Tore? What does that even mean?"

"I thought I told you this already?" When Jared only shrugged, Evan sighed, "You know—like...," he nodded down a bit, "down there?"

Jared gave him an amused look and he blushed. "Well, anyway, I can't really do much until it heals, so it was more like nothing happened until this morning."

"This morning?" Jared's smirk grew as he squeezed ketchup onto his food. "What happened this morning?"

_Stupid._

Okay, so maybe telling Jared all the details behind his dirty little secret wasn't the best idea. "I mean—uh..." He laughed which turned into an awkward cough. "Never mind"

"No, no. Do tell me all the gritty details behind how you were able to prostitute yourself off without once having to stick the dude's penis up your ass."

Evan's face and ears heated and he coughed, hoping no one had heard that. That hadn't been encrypted at all. "It wasn't—I mean, I don't—it's just—" He cut himself off, wishing for an out to the situation.

"Evan!"

Perfect! 

He turned to answer and his jaw dropped as Zoe Murphy approached his table with a tray in hand. She smiled at him and sat down at the empty seat beside him. She had a pretty perfume on and had gotten the burrito and fruit salad for lunch. Evan consciously closed his mouth. 

"How are you?" She asked, glancing between him and Jared. 

"I—um, uh—nothing... I mean! I'm... good. And you?"

_Smooth..._

Jared snorted across the table then laughed into his tray. Evan blushed.

"I'm good. Thanks. I—uh, I just wanted to ask you a few things. About Connor?"

Evan choked on his own saliva. He coughed trying to clear his lungs and reached for a drink of water as Zoe patted awkwardly at his back and asked if he was okay.

He forced down another cough and nodded, "Yeah. 'M fine."

"Aaaaanyway..." She picked up a grape, "I—uh, I know you probably didn't see me, but I saw you were over at our house with Connor on Friday. I was just curious, I guess?"

Jared smirked at him and Evan felt another cough rising. He swallowed it down. "Are you sure? I mean, I wasn't—I haven't been to your house?" He lied. He hated lying to her, but there was no way he could tell her the truth. What would he even say? _Yeah, that was me. You older brother was paying me to fuck me. By the way, I love you._ Yeah right. Like that would go down well.

"But I saw—"

"He was with me Friday evening," Jared interrupted, "right, Evan?"

"R-right."

"Are you sure? Connor drove you home, right? I saw you guys leave though my window. I'm almost positive it was you. I mean, cast and everything, right?" She said and gestured to his cast. He tried not to think about what 'everything' was supposed to be referring to.

"No, I—uh, I don't know Connor all that well." Evan said. 

"Are you sure?"

Evan nodded quickly, "Sorry."

She paused and looked to her tray. With a breath, she gave him a fake smile and said, "Okay, alright. Sorry for bugging you." And she turned to leave.

"No, you—uh, sorry. Bye." He watched her go and caught eyes with Connor across the room. Brows furrowed and lips straight, Connor dropped his gaze before anyone else could see. Had he been watching them?

Evan turned back to see Jared watching behind him. "If you two are gonna keep this up, you're gonna have to learn how to behave in public. The blushing is a major giveaway. Then again, maybe that’s, like, his kink or something." He spread his hands in front of him in a way that said _I can see it now!_ "Creepy, jaded, school shooter type is into the a-dork-able, not-as-innocent-as-he-looks, tree-hugger."

Evan's brows furrowed and he tried to keep the pout off his face. "Why am I not innocent?"

"Come on dude, you basically admitted to giving some guy a hand job in the bathroom for money. Unless it was a blow job, cause that makes this, like, thirty times better."

Evan scoffed and moved to clean up his mess. If he hadn't been hungry before, he definitely wasn't now. 

_Sorry, mom._

"Oh, don't be like that," Jared laughed, "I'm just teasing you."

Evan stood and fumbled to get his backpack over his shoulders. "I have no idea what you're talking about. I have to go by my locker before class." He grabbed his lunch and headed to the trashcan. A buzz in his pocket alerted him to a text.

**Connor:** What did Zoe want?"

**Evan:** She saw us leave Friday. I told her it wasn’t me.

"Evan!" Jared called.

Evan didn't turn back around and Jared didn't follow him.

**Connor:** OK. Good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi all!  
> I'm really getting myself pumped over these. I was re-reading some of my favorite fics on this site and if you guys haven't heard of them yet, ((which honestly, most of you probably have)) The Accountant in The Blue Suit and Trying Through The Trauma are two of my absolute favorites.  
> Oh and BTW, if you haven't seen, I posted a short story. I'm working on another, but it's decided it does not want to be short and is currently looking at being somewhere around 20000 words, unlike my estimate 10000. That's what happens when you edit, I guess. You find things you like and others you don't and then realize you have to scrap half to re-write. Sometimes I worry I put too much effort into these. 😅  
> I was also noticing that I'm over half of the way to reaching the word count I was at with the previous version, but only 6 of the 18 chapters in (technically, I combined two, so 7 of 18). I am hella excited about that. Word counts are particularly hard for me.  
> See you next week!  
> 5/1/20  
> 3017 words


	7. Are You Still Watching?

When Evan got home on Tuesday afternoon, the first thing he did was check the mailbox and behind the empty flower pot that sat by their front door. No package. Sighing, he took the key from under the mat and unlocked the door, remembering to put it back for the next time. If he thought about it logically, the mail didn't usually come until closer to 5:00 and it was barely past 3:00 now, so it wasn't really odd that it hadn't come yet. 

Evan tossed his bag to the couch and headed for the kitchen. The day had been pretty awful. Mr. Morgan decided to pick on him and make him read a section of _To Kill a Mockingbird_ aloud in class. That had only lasted for a minute before she had someone else read it because his stuttering was preventing anyone from actually hearing it anyway. After lunch, Mr. Redford had sprung a pop quiz and looking back on it now, he knew that a large molecule that was formed when many smaller molecules bond together was called a polymer molecule, but he was pretty sure he'd written macro-molecule and Mr. Redford wasn't one for partial credit. To top it all off, in seventh period, Mrs. Homer had decided to pair them off to peer review each other's drafts for an upcoming essay, but the kid he’d been paired off with hadn’t done his draft, so Evan had to sit awkwardly while his paper was read and marked up all over with a pencil. You’d think if someone cared that much about someone else’s grammar, they’d care enough to bring their own paper, but whatever.

He felt on edge as he opened the fridge. Condiments and a half-gallon of milk. He grabbed the latter and went to pour himself a glass. He's realized about twenty minutes into fifth period that Connor must have skipped because he hadn't seen him at all. 

Evan took a long drink as he walked back to his backpack and pulled out his laptop. He didn't have much homework left as he'd been able to get a lot of it done during his free period, but he had a long reading and that essay due. He got started and had finished the reading and moved on to the essay when the doorbell rang. He froze and listened. Quiet steps then a sliding door and the truck moved along down the street. Evan bolted to the door and peeked through the peephole. His porch was clear of living beings at least. 

When he opened the door, the small package the deliverer had leant against their front door fell inward innocently. He quickly grabbed it and closed the door once more. It looked like a baseball from the outside, but when he picked it up, it was too light and not the right consistency. He wondered if the mail-person had known what it was. 

With a shiver that felt too ominous to be misguided, Evan ran up to his room and closed the door. He threw the package to his bed as he went to close his curtains, but when he still felt eyes watching him, he grabbed it and hid in his closet. Evan breathed in the musty smell of old shoes and reached for the string with shaking hands. Light flooded the small room and his eyes drifted immediately back to the yellow packaging in his hand. He pulled it open and took out the contents, allowing the bubble wrap-infused paper fall to the floor.

The soft, plastic, bulb-shaped enema device almost resembled the oil can from _The Wizard of Oz_ in Evan's mind. It was black; ball shaped at one end—about the size of a tennis ball—and elongated to a pointed tip, not even as wide as a jelly bean standing on its tip. It felt weird too—rubbery, but soft—and it squeezed like a partially blown balloon. It reminded him of the baby shower his mom had taken him to when her coworker got pregnant. She'd been gifted a baby-health set with a soft comb, small nail clippers, and a bulb similar to this but smaller, all in a light brown color. His mom had said it was for sucking mucus from a baby's nose. He'd never seen it done, though.

Evan let out a shaky breath and looked around his closet. His mom did his laundry, so there was no chance he could hide the enema bulb in his dresser. Between clothes in his closet was too risky because it could just fall into the open. The shelves above the rack were bare which removed that option. There weren't that many good places. After a moment of debate, he shoved it inside one of his dress shoes in the back of his closet. He'd have to find somewhere else soon because those were his church shoes, but for now it would work. There was still that piece of his mind that said how wrong it was that he was hiding the enema bulb he planned to use on himself for better pre-marital, gay sex inside his church shoes, but he ignored it. It wasn't like he could put it anywhere else. He only owned three pair of shoes, dress shoes and two pairs of sneakers. He'd have to find other options soon. 

  


~~~~~~~~~~

  


When Evan walked up the front porch Wednesday evening after therapy, it was nearly five o' clock. School was stressful and some kids had pushed him around in the halls, but it was Wednesday. He and his mom were going to eat tacos and everything would be fine. He smiled to himself as he saw her Corolla parked in the driveway like she'd promised. 

He opened the door and was surprised to not be met with the smell of seasoning and the sound of sizzling meat, but that was okay. They were probably going to cook it together. That was okay with him. He dropped his bag off on the couch and walked to the kitchen.

"Mom?" He called, opening the fridge to see it void of meat and veggies. Did they still have to go pick it up? It would be a little late for dinner, but—

"Oh, Evan." Heidi appeared around the corner, drying her hands on a paper towel, "I left a twenty for you, make sure you eat something. I won't be back until late so lock the door and get to bed at a decent time. You know the drill."

Evan's stomach dropped as he saw her hands pat down her sides in search of her keys. Her eyes caught them on the counter.

"I—uh..." Maybe he shouldn't bring it up.

"What is it, honey?" She asked as she grabbed the keys then her purse from the table.

"I... I thought we were doing tacos?" He asked, his hand reaching up to play with the loose thread on his cast— _stop it_.

She looked up like a deer caught in the headlights. "Shit. It's Wednesday—"

It's okay," he interrupted and moved to fiddle with the hem of his shirt instead. "I kinda had plans for tonight anyway."

She sighed and her shoulders slumped, "Evan, you don't have to lie for me." Her eyes held that mildly disappointed look they'd get when he didn't eat or when he said he hadn't followed Dr. Sherman's instructions. "How about—maybe we can do them this weekend? How's Friday? I can skip class—"

"No, really it's fine."

"Evan—"

"You're gonna be late, you should go."

"No. Let's figure this out first."

"It's fine, mom."

Her jaw clicked shut.

Evan looked away as the lie slid from his tongue. "I've got a bunch of homework to do anyway."

Heidi sighed, "Right... okay. Yeah, let's plan another time then."

Evan gave her a half smile. "Yeah."

"Okay, well. Goodnight. I will... see you in the morning." She gave him a sad smile before turning to leave.

Evan tried not to feel disappointed when the front door clicked shut.

  


~~~~~~~~~~

  


He spent the evening on his laptop, scrolling social media and watching YouTube videos. It was nearly eight when his phone vibrated with a phone call. Thinking it was his mom, he quickly answered.

"Hello?"

"Hey." Connor said

_Not mom! Not mom! Abort mission!_

"H-hey." He greeted again and tried to catch his breath. 

"Are you alone?" Connor's breathing was a little labored.

Evan nodded, "Y-yeah."

"Do you mind if I come over?"

"Wha—why?"

"It's a yes or no question, Hansen."

"Oh—uh, sorry. That came out wrong. Of course you can come. My mom—uh, she’ll be gone til really late. I just wasn't sure why you wanted to since I'm—uh, broken? You know, for a little while?"

"Broken?" Connor laughed, but it didn't sound all that humorous, only pitiful. "It doesn’t have to be like that. I just need to get out of the house and I figure I'm less likely to get murdered at your house than at some random park in the middle of the night. Now would be a good time to admit to any murderous tendencies."

Evan laughed a little too loudly, "Uh—no, not really—I mean, I'm not... yeah."

_Why were words so hard?_

"M'kay, I'll be there soon."

Evan nodded and heard the beep of his phone that indicated the end of a call. Connor was at his door less than twenty minutes later. Evan saw Connor's car was absent from the driveway when he opened the door to let him in. Did he park farther away or had he walked?

"I—uh, do you want something to drink?" Evan asked as he led the taller boy into the kitchen. "We have water? Milk?"

"I'm good." Connor said and sat down at the table. He watched Evan for a moment, but when nothing else happened, he shifted, resting his arms against the table and his head in the crook of his elbows. He looked exhausted. 

"So, um... How have you been?" Evan shifted awkwardly at his spot standing against the counter. Connor glanced up at him from beneath his hair with a raised brow and a curious smirk. 

Evan coughed, "I-I mean—" 

_Stupid! Absolute idiot!_

He didn't know what he was doing. The only time he'd been around Connor was when they had been fucking. That didn't require talking at all. Now he just felt awkward and stupid. See, this was why he hated small talk.

The puff of air that Connor released sounded like a mock-laugh. "I'm fan-fucking-tastic."

Evan ducked his head, "O-oh"

The room went silent. It was awkward. Evan was awkward. He could hear the drip of the leaky faucet through the quiet and debated moving to turn the handle just right to make it stop, but didn't. He didn't want to bring attention to himself. 

After several minutes had passed of Evan standing awkwardly, picking at his cast— _stop it_ —or his nails or his shirt, Connor sighed. Evan's eyes jumped to him and watched as he stood .

"You got cable?" He asked.

"I—um, no. Mom says it's too expensive when we only watch, like, three of the channels. But—um, we have Netflix?"

Connor nodded and left the room. Evan followed. The brunet plopped down on the couch and turned on some mindless show Evan had seen but hadn't considered watching. He internally debated if he should sit next to Connor on the couch or if he should take the love seat, but Connor broke up his thoughts with a pat to the seat beside him and Evan nodded nervously before sitting down a good two feet away.

This was awful. He didn't know what to do. He wished he'd been given more time to prepare. At least then he would've been able to plan out what he would say—no, scratch that... If he'd been given any more time, he would have just worried himself sick by the time Connor arrived. 

"Hey." Connor whispered and Evan jumped to look over at him. He'd been too stuck in his head. "…Are you scared of me?"

Evan shook his head only slightly too quickly and turned to his hands. "I—um, no. You're not scary. I mean, maybe a little, but I'm not—I just—I have really bad anxiety? And—um, I'm awkward? So...yeah." He let out a breath. He didn't know why the majority had come out as a question, but it really just proved his point, didn't it.

Connor chuckled, "I think everyone's a little messed up in here." Evan turned to him as he tapped his temple, "I've been diagnosed with depression mainly, but there's a whole fucking list of shit they wanna say I have. I'm starting to think it's just to get money out of us."

Evan's brows furrowed, "Oh, I didn't know that."

"I never told you."

"You don't seem—I mean, every time we've been together, I never thought you were depressed."

Connor gave a half smile that looked mostly fake to Evan, "Yeah, I think they've finally found the right cocktail of happy pills. Took them awhile, but at least I don't feel like killing myself every other day."

"O-oh..." Evan didn't know what to say to that. He knew what that was like,—had been through it himself,—but he also knew that every person's experience was different. 

Connor cleared his throat, seemingly aware of what he'd said and the severity of it. Most people couldn't say they thought about killing themselves as he had. Had it gotten that bad,—to the point of normality,—or did Connor just trust him?

Evan looked to him. "I'm glad...—I mean! That you're not dead!—or, that you don't want to kill yourself, that's—uh," Evan deflated slightly and finished his sentence, "that’s good." So much for some heartfelt speech.

Connor shifted on the couch, probably feeling awkward. Evan was blushing too hard to look up. He squeezed his eyes shut before wiping his face and turning back only to find Connor mere inches from his face. For once in his life, he stared into someone's eyes and found himself incapable of looking away. Blue, blue, blue, brown. Wait brown? How had he not noticed before? Evan swallowed, his heart hammering as he glanced down to Connor's lips. 

"Is this okay?" Connor asked, glancing down as well.

"Y-yeah." It came out way breathier than he would've liked. 

Connor closed his eyes and slowly, gently, their lips touched. It was different than any other time they'd kissed in that, there was no determination or secrecy or apology hidden behind these touches. This was the undeniable feeling of worth. Of want. There was no motivation behind it other than to feel and be felt. It was completely indescribable, yet Evan felt entire books could be written on it. 

Evan loved it.

He pulled back to draw in a breath and Connor's hand grabbed his bicep, his lips moving down Evan's neck to kiss and lick the skin there. Evan felt Connor's erection and placed his hand to it, but Connor pulled his wrist away.

"Just this," he whispered, going back in for another kiss. Evan followed his lead. 

They fell asleep much later, entangled on the couch with drying saliva scattered across their faces and necks and shirts disposed of on the floor beneath them; the TV playing the never ending clip of _A_ _re you still watching?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello all!  
> I hope you're faring well in this chaos. Here's another chapter and I can't wait to see you all next week.  
> 2107 words  
> 5/8/20


	8. The Morning After (Pill)

Popping oil and the heavenly smell of crisp bacon brought Evan to his senses and he twisted his neck to get a look at his surroundings. Quilts covered him in his position on the floor. They were the blankets they kept hidden away in closets until someone came to visit. The last time they'd seen the light was three years ago when his grandma had come to visit for a weekend and he'd taken the couch so she could use his room. Three years was a long time in a musty closet and he pulled the blanket away from his face to get away from the dust and the electric smell the vacuum gave to everything else it was nearby. 

Evan rolled his neck and shoulders as he sat up, still not entirely sure what he was doing in the living room. When he stretched, he ran into something much quicker than anticipated and quickly turned to see the elbow that had stopped him. The previous night came back like violent whiplash and Evan blushed hot red to his ears and down his chest. Connor laid on the couch, completely covered by a musty quilt save a handful of hair and one foot. Evan swallowed and looked back to the sounds in the kitchen. His mom must've brought them the blankets which means she must have seen them. The only question was where? Had he already fallen off the couch by the time she'd come in or had she finished her shift only to come home and find her son tangled with someone else? 

Evan bit his nail as he thought. He looked down to the blanket in his lap then up to Connor's. That was probably the most reassuring sight of the morning. Why bring two blankets if they were laying together? He was a fairly light sleeper. He probably would have noticed has his mom tried to pull him to the floor. Then again, he wasn't entirely sure how he got there otherwise.

Evan pulled the blanket around his shoulders as he stood and walked to the kitchen. The cold tile stung against his feet and he lifted one to rest on his shin. Heidi stood at the toaster, sticking two slices in. She was dressed in day clothes which felt odd in contrast to her normal lounge wear or scrubs and was especially unusual since she was supposed to have class at 8:00 AM on Thursday mornings before her shift started at 11:00. But a small smile tickled her lips almost as if she didn't know she was smiling and she had pulled her hair back into a nice bun. She set the timer on the toaster for two and a half minutes, turned back to the stove to scrape the eggs, then spun around and jumped when she saw him.

"Oh, Evan. You scared me." She held a hand to her heart and continued on her way to the fridge. Evan stepped aside so she could open it. 

"Sorry." Evan whispered. "Are you making eggs?"

They never made eggs. They never had the time in the morning for anything more than a bowl of cereal or a piece of toast. 

"Uh huh," Her smiled widened as she pulled the butter from fridge. "I thought I could make you two something good for breakfast before you had to leave for school."

Evan looked down to his bare feet. So it was because Connor was here. "Okay."

"Why don't you go change real quick and then you can wake up your friend and we'll eat."

Evan nodded and left. He changed out of his wrinkled clothes and brushed his hair and teeth. The quilt was folded and placed on his bed and he grabbed his backpack before leaving to wake up Connor. 

It wasn't an easy feat. Evan stood, poking Connor's shoulder, calling out quietly, and when all else failed, gently tugging at the blanket near his head. That earned him a sleepy punch and Connor pulled the blanket back up and mumbled something that sounded like _go away, Zoe_. He rubbed his cheek and, when little snores started sounding again, pulled the blanket back once more. There were no repercussions this time and Evan turned it entirely down his torso. He shook the brunet's shoulder and called for him and eventually, Connor's eyes opened a smidge. His face was blushed from sleep and his cheeks had indents where it'd been laid against his arm and the fabric had pressed until marks were drawn like spider webs across his skin. He glared at Evan for a moment before seemingly realizing where he was and sat up. 

"Good morning," Evan said quietly as Connor stretched stiff joints. 

Connor mumbled something that sounded skin to good morning and rubbed his face. 

"My mom made eggs."

Connor looked at him for a moment as if trying to comprehend the words, then nodded, throwing the blanket off to stand up. His arms wrapped tightly around himself as Evan led him back to the kitchen. Heidi had already set the table with actual dishes rather than paper plates and was setting a pan on a pot holder. 

"Good morning," She smiled again and held out a hand, "I don't believe we've met. I'm Heidi."

Connor shook her hand wearily and gave a smile that seemed more like a grimace, "Connor." And his hand immediately went back to hugging himself.

His mom had gone all out. Bacon, eggs, fried potato, toast, sausage. Evan felt a pinch in his gut as they sat down to eat, but ignored it. He ate as much as he dared, sipping at orange juice and smelling the strong coffee brew in Heidi's and Connor's cups. Was he supposed to say something? Explain why Connor was here? How they met? That wasn't really possible if he thought about it. He'd rather die. Connor didn't seem any more comfortable with the situation than him, evident in slouched shoulders and that he never looked up from his plate. Heidi cleared her throat.

"So, uh—Connor? Where did you two meet?" She asked as she stabbed a potato and popped it into her mouth. Evan blushed as she smiled cheekily at him, "Evan's never brought you up before."

Connor looked up and a weary smile pulled his lips. It was probably supposed to look polite, but kind of looked like he had smelled something bad. "We met at school in the computer lab."

Evan's jaw dropped slightly and his head turned to Heidi as if she would be able to tell the circumstances from the location alone. Connor wasn't going to tell her the entire truth would he?

"Really?" Heidi's voice held an obviously fake enthusiasm. "Tell me about it."

Connor's smiled once more before letting it drop. He looked back to his food, "I just saw him writing one of his letters and we got talking."

Evan blushed. He had thought he'd managed to hide those from Connor the day they'd met, but apparently not. What did Connor think of him? They were lame and weird. Maybe he was disgusted. 

Heidi's brows raised and her elbows thudded onto the table as she leaned her chin into her hands, "That's wonderful!" She looked to Evan, "I told you those pep talks would help you."

Evan folded his arms across his chest and gripped at his biceps. His stomach turned. He wanted to leave. Frustration and exhaustion overwhelmed his senses as he battled the unknown of interacting with his mom and Connor at the same time. 

A phone run—a loud heavy metal tone that was punctured by a high pitch roar. Connor quickly grabbed for his phone from his pocket and silenced it. His brows furrowed and he declined the call before turning back to his food. 

"Sorry," he muttered and took another drink of the coffee. He'd taken it black. Evan's father had always taken his coffee black. His mom drowned it in cream.

"Oh." Heidi said as she glanced down to her phone. "It's almost seven-fifteen, but I can give you a ride? That way you have some extra time?"

Evan shook his head and stood. "No we'll walk."

Heidi smiled, but said nothing. 

Evan grabbed his shoes from his bedroom and Connor was given a toothbrush to brush his teeth. Evan offered to let him use his comb, but the brunet denied with a sarcastic comment of 'it completes the look'. They left the house after that. It wasn't a long walk—maybe fifteen minutes—but it was chilly outside and Evan grasped his biceps. The weather was always awkward in September. Some days it was chilly in the mornings, but got up to the seventies by midday, others it would pour all afternoon, but the night would be hot and humid. 

"Are you mad at your mom or something?" Connor asked suddenly as they walked down the sidewalk. He had one hand shoved into the pocket of his hoodie and the other scrolled through his phone. He hadn't charged it last night so it had to be close to dead. 

"What? No." Evan's brows furrowed as he processed the question. "How come?"

Connor glanced at him then back to his phone. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not one to judge, you just seemed tense during breakfast."

Evan shrugged and gave a mock laugh, "When am I not tense?"

"That's fair."

It was silent for a few moments. Evan didn't want the conversation to just end like that. He wanted to keep talking, so he did. 

"I think I'm just frustrated." He said finally, "She promised to do tacos last night, but forgot. But then she was able to skip classes this morning to make us breakfast."

"Oh."

"I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my mom but she's got some weird priorities, you know?"

"Hm," Connor had put his phone away and was glancing at Evan every dozen steps or so. 

Evan sighed, "A-anyway, what's your mom like?" He just needed an excuse to change the subject. He didn't think Connor was all that interested in his life anyway. 

Connor blew a laugh, "Crazy."

He turned too quickly and felt a little dizzy, but Connor just laughed at his reaction and Evan laughed nervously along. 

Finally, Connor stopped, "Okay, not completely mental or anything, she's just a little crazy." He held up two pinching fingers to demonstrate.

"What do you mean?" He asked. Connor sighed and Evan back tracked, "I mean, you don't have to answer if it's personal or something, I was just curious I guess."

"No, it's fine." Connor said. "She's just rich and doesn't work so she gets into a lot of weird things because she's bored and most of the time it doesn't really matter, but then she pulls us into it and it sucks. Like right now, she's on this fat diet thing. Keda? Kedo? I don't even remember. It's a bunch of meat and no carbs and I hate it. We can't eat pizza unless it's made with this weird crust that's supposed to be, like, chicken and vegetables but tastes like shit. And there's never anything to eat at our house. No cereal, no sandwiches, no pasta. Not even potatoes.

Evan smiled. He liked it when Connor talked passionately about something. He was so expressive and his voice had inflections that were otherwise absent. 

"But you ate potatoes this morning." Evan said.

Connor breathed deeply and let it out, allowing a smile to rest on his lips. "Yeah, they were great. Your mom's a good cook." Connor looked over to Evan and ducked his head. He scratched his nose then stuffed his hands back in his pocket. "I've been resorting to sneaking out to McDonald's to get french fries over the last three months."

Evan laughed. Connor smiled. It was quiet, but not awkwardly so. 

"You know, you never did explain what those notes were." Connor said. 

Evan swallowed and chuckled nervously. "W-What do you mean?"

"You know, the 'Dear Evan Hansen' shit."

"O-oh, those..." Evan rubbed at the back of his neck. "They're just—you know, therapy and stuff. It will—well, it's _supposed_ to make me more confident in myself."

"Did it work?"

"I don't think so." Evan smiled haphazardly at Connor, "To be fair, I didn't really do it enough to know."

"Okay."

As they neared the school, both of them agreed that it would be best if they weren't seen together so Connor slowed his pace and Evan speed walked ahead. He reached the doors just as Connor was getting to the parking lot. 

He was still frustrated with his mom and still embarrassed that Connor knew about his therapy, but his day seemed brighter than it had. He was ready to face it and learn something new. Maybe today really would be a good day because he had a friend and that's something he hadn't ever been able to say before. 

Evan walked to class, with an extra bounce in his step that Jared caught on to the moment he saw him. That was alright though, today would be good. He knew it would be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everybody!  
> Hope you all had a happy Mother's Day. I finished up the last of my finals this week so just a heads up that could mean I'm either super productive or I run into a funk and won't want to do anything but sleep and binge watch Bates Motel. I'm hoping that having been in quarantine for 9 weeks will lighten that sudden drop, but we'll see. Out of curiosity, how long has everyone else been in quarantine?   
> See you all next week!  
> 2201 words  
> 5/15/20


	9. When It Rains, It Pours

Evan had never really considered himself to be an optimistic person, but he wouldn't consider himself to be negative either. It came in moments, but for the most part, he liked to make the best out of a given situation. For example, it may be pouring on his walk home from school, but the smell was amazing, even if he had to get a little wet. And when it was too hot out, at least he could look forward to a cool shower when he got home. Homework was alright because at least he would learn how to do something and that meant his entire grade wasn't based on tests, and when kids pushed him around at school, at least that meant he wasn't completely invisible. But when it came to being pulled aside and having his head shoved in a toilet, there was nothing even remotely positive that Evan could come up with.

His day had been going fine. Mrs. Sanchez had said there wouldn't be any calculus homework for the evening since they had a test next week and he'd been really interested learning about cloud formation in geography. He'd planned to spend his evening looking up videos about it on YouTube. But now, any good day he'd been experiencing had crashed and he sat shaking, crying, and covered in poo water. 

He hadn't even seen it coming. One minute he'd been switching his books out at his locker, Jared waving off saying he'd meet him in the cafeteria. The next, he'd been pulled off the main hallway and dragged into a bathroom by a group of three who had then proceeded to humiliate him all without ever saying what he'd done wrong. 

Evan sniffled and wiped his nose on the back of his trembling hand before leaning forward to rest his head back onto his knees. He coughed. If he could just stop the adrenaline from coursing through his veins long enough to actually do something. All he wanted to know was why it had been done to him. In all his life, he'd never been subjected to _actual_ bullying. Sure, there were kids that would knock down his books or tease him when he stuttered or mumbled about something, but never anything dramatic like they show in the movies. 

Jared had always said it was because Evan made it too easy for them. There was no challenge with him because he was shy and socially awkward and anxious. One glare or well-placed sneer could send him into a panic in seconds. They wanted their targets to fight back. 

Like Connor.

Evan had witnessed the torment Connor had been put through by the bullies at their school. There'd been multiple occasions throughout middle school when he'd come to class half way through the day with a black eye or busted lip and bloodied fingers to boot. The worst was that he was proud and wouldn't tell the teachers who in particular had done it, but all of the students knew. It had lessened some over the years as Connor withdrew from other people and rumors spread that he had killed a man, but it was still present with the cockiest of bullies. 

Had he been born with a backbone, he might have been brave enough to stand up for the kid that was constantly getting shoved into his locker or a trashcan or the janitor's closet, who was constantly told to kill himself, who people ran from like he carried the plague. But Evan wasn't brave. Evan was weak and that was why he didn't understand why they'd come for him. 

He'd been so afraid they would kill him. He hadn't been able to breath and the water had rushed into his lungs causing him to spasm and cough through the tears until they'd gotten afraid of killing him too and had fled, leaving him mid-panic attack on the disgusting bathroom floor. He'd thrown up then cried some more. At least there hadn't been anything in his stomach beside water. It'd taken him forever to be able to just breath normally again and by that point, he was a jumble of so many emotions, he didn't know how to deal with it. He was scared they'd come back, angry they'd chosen him. He didn't even know those guys! He recognized them as the ones that had been pushing him around all week, but he never would have thought that it would escalate to this. 

The warning bell rang and Evan began to panic more. He couldn't go back out there, but he couldn't be late to class. He cried more and tried to stop the hiccups that escaped. He was cold. He was shaking. He was tired.

The door to the bathroom opened and Evan quickly covered his mouth to keep from making any noise. His breathing was shaky and loud, but there were plenty of stalls in this bathroom. If he was lucky, maybe whoever it was would leave without ever knowing he was there.

"Evan?"

More tears rose at the realization that Jared had come looking for him. He must've been upset that Evan didn't join him for lunch. He would be mad for sure. Evan tried to push the tears back, breathing heavily against his fingers as Jared walked to the stall he was in and knocked. 

"Come on, dude, I can see your shoes." Jared said, "I know it's you."

Evan hiccupped and squeezed his eyes shut.

"Are you crying?" The annoyance in his tone dropped for concern. Evan didn't reply. He didn't know he could get any words past his lips at this point anyway. "Come on, open the door."

Evan opened his eyes. The final bell rang. Jared shifted slightly behind the door and sighed, but didn't move to leave. With hands shaking at what felt like a million miles a second, Evan reached forward and pulled back the lock. 

The door swung open immediately and Evan looked back to his lap as Jared took in the sight of him dripping wet and sitting on a toilet. 

"Who did this?" Jared asked. Evan shook his head. "You don't know or you won't tell me?"

"I—I don't—" he cut off with a sob and wrapped his arms tighter around himself. 

"Damn it." Jared whispered, running his hands through his hair. He sighed again. "Okay, come with me."

Evan's eye's shot to him and he could feel more tears coming. He couldn't go to class and he did _not_ want to interact with a nurse right now. He couldn't.

Jared's hands flew out, "What?"

"W-where?"

"Home, where else? I mean, unless you want to sit through the next three periods." 

Evan shook his head and Jared held out a hand to help him up. He hesitated, "But what about the classes—?"

"Missing one afternoon isn't gonna kill you. I'll call your mom and let her know to call the school. It'll be fine."

"Okay," he sniffled and took Jared's hand. They went to the sink and Evan washed his hands and face. There was no soap, but he dried his hands with the hand dryer and wiped his face on his sleeve. 

Jared drove him home quickly and left Evan with instructions to shower and get some rest, that he'd have to go back to school, but he'd text him later. Evan agreed.

After his shower, Evan took a Xanax then went back out to the couch in his living room. The quilt Connor had used the night before was still laying across the sofa. He picked it up and brought it to his face. It smelled like him. Cigarettes and weed and that musky cologne he used to cover it. The floral soap they washed their laundry in. The dusty, vacuum-caused electric scent. Evan felt tears coming back as he laid down across the couch with the quilt wrapped around himself up to his nose. He wished it was yesterday or tomorrow or any time but now. He breathed in and closed his eyes. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Evan awoke to the doorbell. It was probably around the same time the mailman came by, so Evan didn't bother with it. No one really expected someone to be home mid-day in the middle of the week.

He felt weird. The quilt had tangled around him and tear tracks had dried across his cheeks. His hair was a mess from sleeping on it wet, but he patted at it to smooth it down. The Xanax was still doing its job and keeping him relatively calm—almost numb.

Evan curled up on the couch, tucking his legs to his chest and shutting out the world. He prayed he'd never have to go to school again. It didn't matter that his brain whispered that was unreasonable and that he'd end up dumb if he did that. He didn't care. 

The doorbell rang again and Evan's brows furrowed. He peeked out the window behind him, but couldn't see anyone at the front door. Granted, there was a bush that blocked the door itself, but no one would stand _that_ close to someone else's front door, right? They must've left already. 

Then someone knocked. Evan jumped that time and peered back out the window. He still couldn't see anybody. His hands were getting clammy. He didn't want to talk to anyone right now. Maybe if he pretended to not be home, they would go away. 

It wasn't working. Three tries already and on the forth, the knocking became pounding. 

"Evan, open up. I know you're in there."

Evan's heart jumped. It was Connor. Connor was here.

Evan's hands were still trembling as he stood, pulling the quilt tighter around his shoulders and walking to the front door. Out of everyone it could have been, he was glad it was Connor. When he finally opened the front door, Connor was leaning against the frame, his head rested in the crook of his propped arm. He jumped back when Evan opened the door and reached for the screen. 

"What the hell?!" 

Evan flinched back and hunched his shoulders. Never mind. He regretted opening the door now. He should have just left it alone and stayed by himself. But now Connor was coming in and there was nothing he could do about it. Connor stomped his way into the house, letting the screen door slam behind him. Evan shut the door and quietly followed him as he stepped into the living room. The brunet ran his hand through tangled hair and huffed a breath. 

"I-I'm sorry." He wasn't entirely sure what he was apologizing for, but Evan would say anything to deescalate the situation. 

"For what?" Connor yelled, pulling his sweatshirt off and throwing it violently at the couch. His shirt bunched up with it and Connor shoved it down again. "Lying to me or ruining my life?" In a fit of rage Connor kicked hard at the coffee table. It pivoted a foot closer to the couch. 

Evan dropped his gaze, "I-I—"

"In what world would it be okay for you to tell _Jared Kleinman_ about this?" His arms swung out.

"I-I didn't, I swear—"

"Fuck you." Connor turned back to him and the glare he sent cast shivers down Evan's back. "He told me he knew in front of the entire school. He said it was my fault that you went home." He scoffed then and threw his hands up, "This entire thing has been you two making fun of me, hasn't it. Just wanted to see how long I would go along with it, huh? I'm not a fucking idiot!"

"I don't—"

Connor threw a book across the room and it banged harshly against the wall. Evan flinched hard. It jarred his frame with such force that he nearly collapsed. 

"Do you think I'm stupid?!" He yelled, his eyes red and cheeks puffy. "That I would just play along until you got bored?"

Evan didn't answer. He trembled and waited for some sign of what to do. 

"Look at me!" Connor's voice broke at the volume and ferocity and Evan's eyes quickly jumped to his. Following Connor's command hadn't helped and Connor let out a frustrated grunt and pulled at his hair. With a yell that almost mimicked a sob, Connor punched at the wall the book had hit not long before. When he punched again and the drywall began to cave, Evan ran to him. His arms circled Connor's torso, locking his arms by his side. This time, the noise that escaped was a sob. Connor was shaking. Several moments passed before anyone spoke. It was quiet and his voice trembled, but anger grew as he spoke. 

"What are you doing?" Connor asked.

Evan swallowed hard, "You'll hurt yourself." His voice was no louder than Connor's.

"Who cares." There it was again. That tone that seeped out with hopelessness and despair. The one that believed that no one cared about him. The one that Evan knew all too well. 

"I care." Evan pleaded. His voice shook and his eyes watered. He squeezed tighter and buried his face in Connor's back. 

It was silent. Then, all at once, Connor pulled away violently and turned. His eyes were livid and his lips curled in a sneer. He shoved Evan hard and the blond fell to the floor with a thud. Evan cowered.

"I am not an idiot." His voice burned like molten lava and all shakiness had vanished. "I'm not gonna stand by while you make fun of me to my face." He pulled his wallet out of his pants and grabbed out a few twenties. They fluttered down as he threw them and landed gently beside Evan. "That's to catch us up, but I'm done. Don't talk to me again. Don't touch me again. Don't even look at me. You can go live your own pathetic existence on you own."

Evan thought he'd puke as Connor calmly left the house. The front door slammed shut and the sound of Connor's mustang roared to life before fading away in the distance. Evan collapsed to his back and stared at the ceiling. Frustrated tears burned his eyes and the sadness he was feeling let them fall. He couldn't even find the energy to wipe them away. He should have known. Bad things come in groups of three. Now he could only wait for the last one to catch up to him and shoot him down for good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again~  
> I ended up falling into the do nothing trap. So goes my life. That's alright. I've had fun re-watching Avatar the Last Airbender and reading all week. Things have been opening back up again where I live and I hate it because now I have to go be social again. 😭  
> Hope you all had a fantastic week!  
> Love!  
> 2414 words  
> 5/22/20


	10. Falling Out

"Evan?" The front door closed and it wasn't long before his mom was rushing into the living room. "Oh, honey, why are you laying on the floor?"

Evan didn't look over to her. His head hurt too much and his brain was too foggy to process her words anyway. She knelt down beside him and felt his forehead. He leaned into the touch as much as possible and felt the tears trickle down to his ears when she removed her hand. 

"Oh, baby, it's okay. I'm here." Heidi pulled him to a sitting position and wrapped her arms around him in a hug that was tight and warm and safe. He cried on her shoulder and she shushed him with comforting words and a caressing hand on his back. When he calmed down once more, she pulled back and Evan reluctantly let her go.

"Now," She brushed his hair out of his face and wiped the tear tracks that stained his cheeks. The shoulder of her scrubs was soaked and she reached for a tissue from the askew coffee table. "What happened?" 

She handed him the tissue and Evan took is to wipe at his eyes and nose. He'd always been a gross crier. His eyes would get gummy and mucus went practically everywhere.

"Evan, look at me."

He did.

"What happened?"

Evan swallowed and looked back down to his lap. He couldn't tell her—he knew he couldn't tell her—but he so desperately wanted to. He wanted to tell her everything and let her calm his fears and tell him that everything will be alright. But he couldn't. She would hate him. His chest hurt and this time, it wasn't from panic. It was an overwhelming pressure that knocked his breath around and made his eyes water. It was absolute devastation. He couldn't tell anything to the one person in his life who gave a fuck about his existence.

He choked on a sob and looked back to her when her hand cupped his cheek. "I-I just had a bad day." It wasn't entirely a lie. He had been having a bad day.

"Evan, honey," Heidi's thumb caressed his cheek lightly, swiping beneath his eyes to wipe away his tears. "You can talk to me. That's what I'm here for right?"

But he couldn't.

"I'm sorry—" He broke off when his voice cracked and more tears fell.

"No, no. Evan, you haven't done anything wrong." Her voice was so soft and nurturing. Evan felt the bittersweet sting of the words and their comfort. She pulled him back into a hug and he tried to get his breathing under control. When he'd sobbed his last tear, she still held him, rocking him gently and whispering comforting words in his ear. He regretted ever being mad at her. 

"Can I skip school tomorrow?" Evan whispered. 

"Of course." She smiled softly and kissed his forehead. "You gotta care for your head too, huh?" Her fingers ran comfortingly through the hair at the back of his head. Eventually, she sat him up, "I have an idea. Why don't you climb onto the couch and I'll go get us some ice cream. We can watch a movie before bed, huh? Try to distract you for a while?"

Evan gave her a small smile that didn't quite reach his eyes. That did sound nice though. He nodded and Heidi patted his knee twice before standing to get their dessert. Evan wiped his face on his sleeve and stood to collect the quilt. When it lifted from the ground, the bills Connor had thrown at him rained down to the floor in slow motion. He thought he'd puke as he bent to pick them up then stuffed nearly a hundred dollars in twenties between the pages of _The Crucible_ that had been stacked on their bookshelf. His mom wouldn't be trying to read that anytime soon. She was too busy. He replaced the book and climbed onto the couch. Seeing Connor's hoodie haphazardly slung across the arm of the couch where it'd been thrown, almost brought him to tears again. Instead, he forced the tears back and pushed the sweatshirt off to lay at the foot of the couch. He drew his knees up to his chest and Heidi returned with mugs scooped full of chocolate ice cream and whipped cream. They watched _Finding Nemo_ and Evan fell asleep on his mom's shoulder nearly three quarters through. He dreamed of high waters and dented walls.

~~~~~~~~~~

Evan slept in until noon the next morning and was still tired enough that he wanted to sleep more, but his stomach rumbled, forcing him out of the makeshift bed and into the kitchen. The bright pink _Post-it_ note on the fridge caught his eye as he went to open it. 

_Dear Evan Hansen,_

_Today is going to be a good day and here's why: you are smart, you are capable, and you have a mom that loves you more than anything in the world!_ :)

Evan wasn't sure what he was supposed to feel at seeing the note. Maybe comforted? Happy? He felt nothing. The funk that had settled in his mind was too thick to feel around. He opened the fridge and stared at its contents. Cereal was the usual option, but he didn't really want any. His appetite was nonexistent. 

Evan closed the fridge even as his stomach growled in protest. He clenched his fist in the front of his shirt, hoping that the hunger cramps would stay away just this once. By the time he'd made it back to the couch, however, they made it apparent that they had no intention of doing so. He watched Netflix until the nausea quieted enough to let him fall asleep surrounded in the quilt that smelled like Connor. 

The sun had cast orange-gold rays over the living room by the time Evan awoke again. He was disoriented and his brain felt foggy. Was it still Friday? He rubbed at his eyes and looked outside. It was quiet for a moment. And then there was noise. The banging on the front door was insistent and told Evan that the person standing there had likely been there awhile.

Evan didn't move. He felt the anxiety prickle his arms and keep him from moving. What if it was Connor again? What if he'd yell? Evan covered his head and tried to go back to sleep. He was drifting off and beginning to dream when his warm haven was ripped away from him. Evan flinched hard and looked to see Jared standing above him with his quilt. 

"What did I say about moving your spare?" He scolded, tossing the blanket to the other side of the room. 

Evan stared blankly at him for several seconds. Whatever had brought Jared here was probably on the list of things that Evan did not have the emotional capacity to deal with right now. He curled in on himself and closed his eyes. It wasn't more than a second before Jared got involved. 

"Uh-uh." He pulled at Evan's arm and flicked his forehead. Evan rubbed at the spot. "You're not making me come all the way here to watch you sleep."

"I didn't ask you to come here..." Evan muttered, yanking his arm back, "Just... just go away..."

"No." Jared grabbed his wrists and pulled him into a sitting position. When he let go, Evan dropped back to the cushions and the process repeated until Evan got tired of fighting it and sat upright.

"Why'd you skip?" Jared sat down next to him.

Evan pulled his knees to his chest. Maybe because he was afraid of running into those bullies again; because he was mentally and physically exhausted; because he couldn't face Connor after everything that had happened. The list had several other elements that could also be named, but something clicked in the back of Evan's mind before he could dwell on them. Jared had been the one to confront Connor. It was Jared's fault that Connor had been mad at him. That he was alone now. He felt the anger bubble up in his chest brighter than he remembered ever feeling before. He clenched his jaw and closed his eyes and breathed. He wasn't an angry person. He never had the action to back it up. But the anger wasn't fading. It was only rising. And he could feel the action coming with it. He wanted to scream.

"Why'd you go to Connor?" Though the words were hoarse from sleep and having not spoken, his tone was accusatory and venomous. It was more so than he knew he'd even been able to produce.

"Oh, come on." Jared's eyebrows furrowed and he huffed, "You and I both know that this was his fault."

"Was it Jared? Was it really?" He could feel the pinpricks of tears starting but the anger he felt helped push them away. "I can't imagine how you would know why they did what they did when they wouldn't even tell me. And in all, your contribution has done nothing but escalate all of my problems."

"Stop being dramatic, it did not—"

"Yes, it did!" Evan glared at the other. "He came here last night. Connor—he thought I had told you about what was going on with us. He was so angry that he said he was done." 

"Oh, please, this is Connor you're talking about. He gets mad if you breathe. He's just being an over-dramatic dick."

Evan glared, but said nothing. 

"Evan—"

"Just go." It was quick and cold. 

Jared sighed, "I'm not—"

"I said leave!" The shout traveled and reverberated against the walls around them. Evan's throat hurt from the ferocity. 

Jared looked taken aback by his outburst, but his eyes quickly narrowed and his brows furrowed. "I'm trying to help you!" 

"No you're not! All you've done is make everything worse!"

"Oh yeah, helping you home from school makes everything worse. Next time I just won't care."

Evan scoffed, "You only care enough so your parents will pay for your car insurance. Or is that not what you've told me a hundred times?" It was a low blow. He knew it would just rile Jared up, but he didn't care. Jared looked hurt, but he couldn't stop. "We both know that's the only reason you even talk to me. I'm sick of being used. Just leave me alone."

Jared stared for a moment. His eyes fell down to the couch between them. "I don't—" He stopped himself and Evan couldn't help feeling the bitter satisfaction that coarsed through his mind.

_Yeah, you do use me._

"You know what?" Jared's words had quieted, but the anger was rampaging in his tone. "You're right. I have better things to do than pity a loser like you."

"Then go!" Evan shouted. His eyes were hard and he could feel the sneer that pulled at his lips. 

Jared jumped back at the outburst and his face scrunched, "Fuck you, Evan!" 

It was fast. Turn, leave, slam, and Jared was gone. Evan hid his face in his knees and pulled at the hair near his temples as tears pooled in his eyes. He was done with this life. He was tired and frustrated and hurt. He just wanted it all to end. He curled into the couch and cried.

~~~~~~~~~~

Evan trudged to school on Monday feeling shittier than he had all weekend. He’d spent the entire weekend on their living room couch, even opting to skip church, with much disapproval from his mom, but he couldn’t bring himself to care anymore. He wouldn’t have been able to get through the service without crying and making a fool of himself in front of the entire congregation and probably would have spent the entirety of it in the bathroom hiding anyway, so there was no point. However, now he regretted all of the sleeping he had done. The weekend had passed in a blurry fog that ended way too quickly. One moment it had been Friday evening, the next it was Monday morning. He couldn’t stay home from school forever—he knew that—but that didn’t stop him from asking his mom if she’d call in for him again. She’d said no, of course, telling him to go to school and if it was really too much then he could call her to pick him up, but Evan knew he wouldn’t. Calling her would mean making her leave work. He couldn’t do that. And so, Evan went to school. 

By lunch, he was exhausted. He headed to his locker with a keen awareness that he would have to stay for another three more hours. 

Jared's locker was two down from Evan's and, unfortunately, he was there talking to familiar faces as Evan approached. As he unlocked his pad, Jared glared at him before dismissing himself, slamming his locker shut, and heading for the cafeteria. Evan couldn't say he expected any different. 

"Hey, Evan!" 

Evan flinched, his shoulders rising to his ears as he waited for something to happen. Maybe if he ignored them, they'd go away. Unfortunately, it didn't work and a tapping on his shoulder had him spinning around to meet face to face with Zoe Murphy. Evan anxiously glanced down either side of the hallway to make sure Connor wasn't nearby. Any other day of the week, Evan would have loved a chance to speak with a pretty girl like Zoe Murphy, but today, when he looked at her, he saw Connor's smile and that same curly brown hair that made his stomach clench and his throat tighten. 

"Hi," he said, pulling some of his books out of his locker and trying to shove them in his backpack around the unnecessary amount of homework papers and writing utensils. 

"How are you?" She asked and Evan furrowed his brow at the question. 

"I'm—uh, I'm fine."

"So—um, I heard about you and Connor," She said, though her tone of voice sounded suspiciously casual for the contents of this conversation. It made Evan wonder why no one else had commented on them yet.

"And you're okay with it?" His voice had a high pitched tone to it.

"Well, of course," She tucked her hair behind her ear, "I mean, I kinda suspected it after last week—you didn't have to lie to me, you know?"

"S-sorry. Connor didn't really want people to know."

Zoe sighed, "That's typical of him. Anyway, I'm just glad he has a friend."

Just a friend? So maybe she didn't know everything. It made Evan wonder what everyone else knew. Evan turned away and let out a breath, "We're not."

"Not what?"

"Friends. There was a fight. I don't think we’re friends anymore."

Zoe's brows furrowed. "O-oh."

"Hansen!" 

Evan flinched at the tone and turned to see Connor pushing through a group of girls to stomp to him. He pushed him back into the lockers and grabbed Zoe by the wrist. Evan trembled and turned his gaze away., "Stay the fuck away from my sister." He was livid to say the least and Evan cowered in his presence. 

"I can take care of myself!" Zoe yelled, pulling at her wrist, "Let go of me!"

Connor turned back to Zoe and released her. Connor pushed him into the locker for one final impression and left. When Evan looked up, the hallways had cleared.  Chatter could be heard from down the hall in the lunch room, but Evan avoided it. He opted instead for the library. His hands were still trembling as he pushed through the doors and walked among the bookshelves. The librarian didn't even glance up from his computer as Evan entered. There were a couple students perusing the books or studying at a table, but no more than five that he could see. Evan walked passed them, passed the shelves and to the back wall where reading nooks had been fixed into the wall. They weren't much more private than elsewhere in the library and could be seen from the front since the shelves lined up with them, but they were less noticeable than the tables. They were clearly meant for study groups, though he knew that some teenagers had tried to get away with more explicit forms of study in the past. 

He sat down at the booth farthest away from the door and pulled out his history book. If he pretended to study, there was a possibility that no one would bug him. The page in his hand shook as he turned it and the words written blurred together. He scrubbed furiously at his eyes before turning back to the book. He was tired of crying. That was all that he'd done all weekend. Well, aside from sleeping. His mom had forced some food into him at one point, too, but it was mainly sleeping and crying. He could hear his dad in the back of his mind already. 

_No man ever got anything from being a crybaby._

God, it even sounded like him. How was he ever supposed to convince anyone of his masculinity if all he ever did was cry over spilled milk? His mom had tried to comfort him and tell him it was okay to cry as long as he knew when to stop, but the problem was that he knew he needed to stop and just didn't know how. It had been four days. Why couldn't he just be over it already? It was just a job!

_But it was more than a job_.

He had hoped he and Connor could be considered friends. He would have been his first. He had hoped that for once in his life, someone would care for him without being liable by obligation. Someone that cared without being told that they had to. But it didn't matter anymore. There was no one in his life that wanted to be around him and Connor was a testament to that. He must be broken. 

Evan stood when the bell rang and slung his backpack over his shoulder, carrying his book with him as he walked to yet another class in which he would sit in mindlessly for the next hour. 

Mondays sucked. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello people!  
> I hope you are doing well and have wonderful lives. This is my installment for the week. See you all next week!  
> 3036 words  
> 5/29/20


	11. When All it Brings is Pain

Out of every class Evan was required to attend, 7th period was the one he dreaded most of all. Normally, he had enjoyed taking Journalism. It was one of the only classes he'd gotten a say in, but it was also the only class that he shared with both Connor and Jared, however, although Connor had been known as the empty seat in previous years, at the beginning of the school year, it seemed he had been trying to put more effort in and had been present almost every day for the last several weeks. Today was apparently not one of those days.

Evan kept his head down as he walked into the class and took his seat three rows back and two from the window. It had been the ideal spot at the beginning of the semester—not so far away that seeing the board would be difficult, but not so close that he'd get called on by the teacher. But now, the seat was the worst. More specifically the seat it was next to made it the worst. Jared had tossed his bags onto the desk beside his just as he'd taken his seat on the first day of school. He'd teased him about something and Evan had shared an awkward laugh. Now Jared glared when they caught eyes, he ignored him and opted for conversations with their other classmates. Evan quickly sat down and pulled his book from his backpack. He could feel the nervous energy circulating his system. When the bell rang and Mrs. Homer started the lesson, Evan scribbled notes in his book and kept his head down to avoid attracting attention. He wasn't hearing half of what she was saying and most of his 'notes' only consisted of mini tornadoes and zig zags, but he couldn't really bring himself to care. 

Evan startled when something was thrown at his back, his pencil skidding across the page several inches. When he turned to look, a crumpled piece of torn paper laid at the foot of his chair. Pen ink had bled through and Evan could see that letters had been written down. He picked it up. 

_Does he like it hard?_

Evan's brows furrowed as his heart picked up pace and his eyes shot to the back of the class where he could see the infamous face of one of the boys that had shoved his head in a toilet. He swallowed when the boy looked up and caught his eye, a clever smirk on his light skin. _Like a deer caught in the headlights,_ his mind told him as he forcefully brought his eyes and brows to a more casual position. Anything was better than wide open and to his hairline. 

He quickly shoved the paper into his backpack to keep anyone else from seeing it. When another paper was thrown, Evan didn't even look at the contents before shoving it beside the other. Another came. Then another. He had six in his bag and had just gotten hit by another that plopped to the floor by the time Mrs. Homer turned around. 

"Evan."

Evan's head shot up and his stomach clenched as the class turned to look at him. "Y-yes?"

"If you need a trash can, there are two by the exits." She gestured sarcastically to the paper by his seat. Evan's cheeks heated as snickers whispered around the room. Evan glanced around then to the paper. 

"U-uh, it isn't—" he bent down to pick it up, "um... I didn't write them."

Her brows furrowed and she walked to Evan to collect them. She held out her hand for the paper and Evan froze. 

_No, no, no! Make up an excuse!_

But none came and soon enough he was passing her the note with unknown, but likely wanton, contents. 

She uncrumpled the paper and looked at it for no longer than a moment before her eyes furrowed and shot to his. "Evan!"

Evan felt his stomach drop and his head begin to shake. "I-I didn't—it wasn't me!"

The horrified urgency in her movements and tone as she turned to the back of the class only drew curious eyes. She caught onto them and quickly folded the paper to hide its contents, but the bled ink showed through as an image that cut off by the fold of two people to their waists. They were obviously having sex and one of the faces looks like it was imitating a cheap anime porno.

"Who drew this?" The front of the class remained motionless, but the back began to shoot out fingers that pointed to the boy in the back. He glared at Evan now. "Kyle, principal's office. Now."

Kyle stood and followed as she walked back to her desk to write a slip, but as he passed, his hand swung out to knock Evan's head. Evan quickly shrunk in on himself and stared silently at his desk through the sound of pen on pad, click of a stapler, then slam of the door. As Mrs. Homer continued with the lesson, Evan kept his head down. He stared at his notebook and hoped that somebody—anybody—would tell him what was going on.

~~~~~~~~~~

When the bell rang, Evan was asked to hang back. He put his books away slowly as the remaining students filed out so they could finally go home for the day. When the last had left, Mrs. Homer came to him, sitting down sideways in the seat of the student in front of him so she could face him. 

"Evan, I wanted to discuss the drawing you received earlier." She leaned forward on the back of the chair, "Have you been getting these for long?"

Evan shook his head and picked at his nails, avoiding her gaze. 

"Has there been any other threats that I should know about? Anything that they went over in the bullying seminar?"

Right. The bullying seminar. Why you shouldn't do it and what to do if you see it happening or if it happens to you. You were to tell a trusted adult right away, but nobody really listened to those because everybody knew that telling a teacher would just get you in more trouble in the long run. 

He shook his head again. Mrs. Homer sighed quietly and when Evan looked to her, her eyes held a disappointment that reminded him of his mother despite the small smile she tried to cover it with.

"Alright, then. You'll tell me if this continues, right?"

Evan nodded.

"Good... You have a good evening." She said and Evan didn't wait to leave. He grabbed his backpack and was out the door before she'd even left her seat. He speed walked to his locker and quickly exchanged his books.

He didn't believe that she actually cared. She was just saying that because it was her job. It was like how kids could go on being abused by their parents, but nobody ever did anything about it because they didn't actually care. They do the bare minimum because that is what is required of them. Nobody cared that some teenagers were bullying him. Nobody cared what happened to him, period. That's why, when Evan was surrounded by the other two members of Kyle's group as he finished exchanging things at his locker, he didn't yell for help. He didn't struggle, didn't fight it. It would only cause more pain.

They took him out to the basketball courts at the side of the school and threw him against the metal pole of one of the hoops. His shoulder took the brunt of the hit and he collapsed to the opposite side beside it, feeling the abrasions left behind as the asphalt dug into his palm and elbow. His backpack spilled beside him and he sluggishly reached to pull the contents back in. 

"Kyle got suspended." One said. This one was tallest of the two and was lankier with large front teeth. "You shouldn't have done that." 

Evan didn't look up. "I-I didn't do anything."

"Tyler, come get him up." The lankier said. 

Tyler was heavier than a good majority of the school, but it was mainly muscle. Evan thought he recognized his face from the school bulletin as one of the members of the school's wrestling team. Evan swallowed and tried to back away as Tyler approached, but he didn't get far before he was pulling him up by his shirt and holding him upright by the fabric at his shoulders. He tried to control his breathing and braced himself as he held tightly to his backpack and waited for the punch or kick or whatever they were about to send.

Lanky grabbed his chin and Evan gasped in surprise. He could already feel tears forming in his eyes as he opened them and looked up to the taller boy. "He said you tattled on him." He spat to the ground, "Whiney little slut."

Evan flinched at the words and tried to turn away, but the grip wouldn't let him. He closed his eyes instead and trembled in their grasp. The grip was removed and Tyler jostled his shoulders once to get his attention. He opened his eyes just as the lankier boy swung his fist. Contact. Pain. And he was falling. He cried out as he hit the floor, both hearing and feeling the tear at the knee of his jeans as it scraped against concrete. His trembling hand came to cradle his cheek where webs of pain danced from his cheekbone to his nose and ear and eyes. He gasped at the pain even as the boys bent over him. 

"This is just the beginning, Hansen. You should've kept quiet; because now, you'll have a world of pain to deal with," someone said and Evan turned to see it had been Tyler. He kicked weakly at Evan's back and Evan flinched away from the contact. 

"You're pathetic!" The lankier boy laughed, "a wimp. A loser. You should just kill yourself already."

Evan sobbed once and turned to hide in on himself. Moments of silence passed and Evan waited for them—anyone—to do something. When he'd stopped crying enough to see, he opened his eyes to a setting sun and an empty basketball court. The parking lot was empty save for two cars and there was not another person in sight. He stood, hugged his backpack, and walked home. 

~~~~~~~~~~

The dusty old Corolla that his mom had driven since he was still in diapers was parked in their driveway as he approached the front door, but if he was lucky, he'd be able to get up to his room without running into her.

When he walked inside, he could hear his mom in the kitchen, talking on the phone with, what was likely, a coworker. He closed the door quietly behind him and quietly sped passed the kitchen door. 

"Evan, is that you?" Heidi called. 

Evan stopped, but didn't turn around. "Y-yeah, mom. Homework" He said quickly before heading the rest of the way to his room. Heidi thankfully didn't follow him. 

He threw his backpack on his bed then went to his mirror. The bruise wasn't that bad, if he was honest. Definitely red and swollen now, but by morning, it would hopefully have faded enough that he can say he tripped down the stairs if anyone asks. His mom would believe that. He was a clumsy kid.. Heck! He'd fallen out of a—…

Evan sighed. His shoulder ached and he pulled down the collar of his shirt to see a purple bruise. Overall, he wasn't the bad off. He'd had worse before, he'd get through this just fine. He almost wondered if the kid that had punched him had pulled it at all. He wasn't that strong looking, but Evan would've thought he could do better than this. He was just glad the wrestler hadn't been the one throwing the punch.

"Evan, what do you want to get for—" Heidi gasped when she opened the door and saw Evan's face. Panic fled through his bones and he said the first thing that came to mind. 

"I tripped!" He shouted, mentally berating himself for making it sound so much like a lie. 

"Evan," Her voice was condescending as she rushed to him, "I know what a right hook looks like. I'm a nurse." Her fingers gently caressed the bruise and he winced and pulled back. His hand enveloped her wrist to keep her from touching it again. 

"I'm okay, mom, really—"

"Who did this?"

"No one—!"

"Evan—"

"It doesn't matter—!"

"Evan!" Heidi yelled and Evan's jaw snapped shut with an audible clack that made his jaw hurt another wave of pain to web up his face. He closed his eyes.

Heidi sighed, "I'm your mother," She shook his shoulders a little, "You're mother. I am not going to be able to sleep tonight not knowing who did this to you."

Evan opened his eyes and looked to his feet. She was guilt tripping him, he knew. She would tell him that if he didn't help her then she would suffer and it had always worked in the past. He clenched his jaw when her hand cupped his non-injured cheek to lift his eyes back to hers. 

"It—" Evan sighed and held his ground, any more than that would lead to further questions. "It really was nothing." He looked down to his cast, "I tripped on some stairs. That's all."

Heidi said nothing, but when he looked up to see, her eyes showed all the disappointment she wouldn't say aloud. His jaw dropped at the sight and a wave of guilt washed over him. 

"Okay..." She whispered. Her voice was resigned as she stepped back. "What do you want for dinner?"

Evan felt like he had swallowed poison from the ache in his belly and the pain in his head. His chest tightened and he tried to keep his voice steady as he spoke. "I-I'm not that hungry."

"Fine."

Heidi left. Evan wished he felt relieved, but instead the guilt grabbed hold and choked him from the inside out. But what else could he have done? What could she do about anything? Go to the principal? Made everything worse? He could deal with the bullies by himself for now and if it ever got to the point that he couldn't handle it anymore, then he'd go to her... probably.

Evan didn't sleep well that night. He stayed awake, tossing and turning, unable to turn his mind off well into morning hours. They'd called him a slut. They knew about Connor. Zoe may not have known, but they did. It only led to the question of who else knew? And what did Jared say to Connor during their fight?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welcome to June my lovelies!  
> I am so excited to get this chapter out. It took tons of editing to get it to something that I was actually proud of. The prior version was just too dramatic to me and Evan was acting too depressed. I mean, don't get me wrong, the kid's depressed, but I see him expressing it through more anxiety and being more self-deprecating.  
> Hope you all are having an amazing week and I'll see you next time!  
> 2462 words  
> 6/5/20
> 
> Edit: Hello! I totally forgot to mention that this Friday is my sibling's wedding and I am their maid of honor, so instead of stressing myself out, trying to post that day, I will post on Saturday, June 13th, instead. Thanks!


	12. Refilled

Evan found Jared before school the next morning. He was sitting on the front lawn with a couple of kids from the drama team. Evan clenched his fists and willed his uneasy stomach away as he approached the group. 

"Jared!" He called as he walked closer. The group's conversation died out and they all turned to look at him. Jared glared up until his eyes caught on the bruise on Evan's cheek. 

"What happened?" Jared asked. His voice didn't sound like he really cared, but his eyes had softened some. 

"I—uh... we need to talk." He said, diverting the topic. There were too many strangers nearby and he felt self-conscious as it was. 

Jared smirked, "We are talking."

"You know what I mean." Evan readjusted his backpack just so he'd have something to do. 

Jared dismissed himself from the drama team and motioned for Evan to follow him to the parking lot. They got in Jared's car and cracked the windows to battle the heat.

"So? What happened to your face?" Jared said, unlocking his phone and scrolling through his social media. 

Evan ran his thumb across his cast to feel the texture. "I-I—um... I need you to tell me what happened last Thursday." 

"That didn't answer my question," Jared said, "but, why?"

"...Just because."

Evan caught Jared looking at him through the corner of his eyes. He turned back to his phone and gestured to Evan's face. "Is this about that?"

Evan swallowed and nodded, "K-kind of."

Finally, Jared clicked off his phone and set it aside to pinch at his nose. "I'd like to start by saying it wasn't my fault. Anyway, when I got back from dropping you off, it was between periods and Connor was loitering on the front lawn. I knew he was the reason that the bullies were coming after you now, so when I saw him, I was already mad and I just, kinda, blew up. A crowd gathered and next thing I knew, I was on top of him, being pulled off by a teacher."

"But what did you say." That was the important part. 

"I don't know..." Jared sighed, "Probably something like, he needed to stop being a dick and that if he was gonna hang out with you, he needed to take responsibility when you got hurt."

"It wasn't his fault—"

Jared scoffed, "Yeah, right it wasn't... "

"This wasn't a friendship, Jared. It was a job." Evan turned his eyes away so he wouldn't have to look at Jared's condescending frown. "It was just a job. It's not his fault if I get hurt."

"Not his fault." Jared mimicked. He scoffed again and turned away. "Like that bruise? Is that 'not his fault'?"

Evan swallowed as his hand reached up to gently touch the sore flesh. "Y-yeah." It was almost a whisper. "Did—um... when you were talking with him, did you say anything about us—er, h-having sex?"

"No," Jared said and shook his head with exasperation. "but there's a shit-ton of rumors going around now."

Evan nodded, "I know, but... as long as nothing has been confirmed, it will probably stay that way. Besides," Evan took a breath to steady his voice, but it sounded scratchy anyway. "rumors die if there isn't anything feeding them."

"He's really not talking to you?"

Evan shook his head.

"I swear, that guy is bi-polar or something." Jared shook his head and looked out the window. "How are you gonna get him back?"

Evan gave a sad smile, "I'm probably not."

"Seriously?"

"What am I supposed to do? He basically fired me."

Jared placed a heavy hand on Evan's shoulder, "You and I both know whatever it was going on between you, it wasn't just a job."

Evan sighed, "It doesn't matter anymore. He's never gonna talk to me again and God knows I won't go talk to him."

It was silent for several moments. Evan could faintly hear the chatter of students as they greeted through the cracked window. 

"So why was this so important?" Jared asked suddenly. 

Evan looked to him. "What do you mean?"

Jared waved his hands in a circular motion, "What does what I said to Connor have to do with your face?"

Evan stuttered a bit, "Um—it's not exactly—I mean, maybe it is, but I'm not entirely sure. It could be because of that. The people who did this—um, they... they called me a slut... I thought maybe everybody knew, but Zoe didn't. I'm still not entirely sure how they found out."

Jared blew out a breath of air. "Well that sucks balls. They're basically holding you hostage with blackmail."

"...I know."

"...Guess we'll just have to kill them—"

"—Jared!"

"I'm joking! Take it easy." Jared laughed and punched Evan's arm. Evan winced and brought a hand up to rub it. 

The warning bell rang and both boys turned to look toward the school. 

Evan reached to grab his backpack from the floor. "Come on, we're gonna be late."

After they'd closed the windows and locked up the car, Evan looked down to his cast and said, "I'm sorry about what I said."

"Yeah, me too." Jared had gone somber and he pulled off his glasses to wipe them clean as they began walking.

"Are we okay?"

Jared scoffed as he put his glasses back on and threw an arm over Evan's shoulder. "Yeah, we're good."

~~~~~~~~~~

Evan learned the wrestler in Kyle's gang was named Sam. Together, Sam and Tyler had seemed to have made a game out of making Evan miserable. Evan had realized this just after lunch when, after an entire morning of them pushing him around whenever he was in view, they shoved him into the lockers. He'd already been feeling nauseous, but once the metal bottom of the cabinets had been pushed forcibly into his stomach, he'd found himself running for the nearest restroom, barely making it in time to lose his lunch. That had come back to bite him in Biology, when his stomach had been embarrassingly loud in reminding him it was empty. He chugged water to calm it down, but it settled oddly and made him feel queasy. 

Once free period hit, Evan scrounged up $1.50 from the bottom of his bag and went to the vending machines in the cafeteria. He browsed the options for several minutes before deciding on a bag of pretzels. They were a bit stale. He should have gone with the Cheetos. 

Evan then went to the library to study. There were a few students milling about that must have also been on their free period. Evan ducked his head and walked to the back wall to find the booths. Only the first was empty and he sat down in it and pulled out his math homework. The crunch of the pretzels made him self-conscious and he found himself just sucking them until they were soggy enough to chew without making a bunch of noise. 

"Hey Evan," came a whisper to his left and Evan quickly turned to see Zoe standing beside him. "Do you mind if I join you?"

Evan's jaw dropped and he quickly closed it before she could see the soggy pretzel. "No, not at all." He quickly reached forward to move his books to his side of the table. He was such a slob. Zoe smiled at him as she sat and pulled out her books. 

"I—um, I didn't know we had the same free period." He said, picking nervously at his cast. "Stop it." He moved away.

Zoe smiled wearily, "Stop what?"

Evan blanched, "Oh—uh, I have a bad habit of picking at my cast, but it's—I'm not supposed to because I might ruin it like always, so I kept telling myself _stop it_ whenever I saw that I was doing it... I guess I just said it out loud on accident."

Zoe giggled and Evan ducked his head as shushing came from the front of the library. "You're weird."

"I know." Evan picked at his nails instead. "...So, why did you want to sit here? I-I mean, not that you're bugging me or anything. If anything, I'm probably bugging you, aren't I? I can leave." 

He shifted to pack up his books, but Zoe reached across the table to stop his hand. 

"You don't have to leave, Evan." She said.

"Sorry."

"What for?"

"…Just sorry."

Zoe quirked a lip at him, "I just wanted to tell you that I'm glad Connor had a friend."

"Oh, we aren't—"

"I know, I know. Not friends anymore." She rested her elbow on the table then her chin on her palm. "I guess I always thought he was too much of a loner to be friends with anybody, but when I found out that you had been friends, I was glad because I think you're a good guy."

Evan's brows furrowed at that and he found himself wondering what was going on with him. He liked being around Zoe, but he would have reacted way differently if she'd said that to him even a month ago. Instead of a rising blush and swooping butterflies in his stomach, he only felt the same as before. A little nervous, but mostly alright. 

Zoe went back to her work, but Evan continued thinking even as he looked down to his paper. It was interesting that after all of this time, their roles had been switched. Where he had once seen Connor's face and pictured the similarities to Zoe, now he saw Zoe and pictured the similarities to Connor. It was unnerving and probably a little creepy.

When the bell rang, Zoe said bye with a wave and cheerful smile and Evan smiled back. 

~~~~~~~~~~

In retrospect, Evan should have expected that Mrs. Homer would ask about the bruise on his face. The class went well, but as she was dismissing, she called Evan to meet with her again. Jared gave him a side eyed look and left without a word. 

Once the class had filed out, Evan walked to the front where she wiped away the lesson from the board. 

"Oh, Evan." She said as she turned, "Are you alright?"

Evan nodded quickly and readjusted his backpack. 

"Who did this?"

Evan swallowed. He'd been prepared to answer this question, but now that he was presented with it, he found himself afraid he'd give it away. "Oh—uh, no one did. I tripped on my way home last night and hit uh—a fence."

Mrs. Homer reached out and gently touched Evan's bruise. He winced and she sighed, "Alright. You should be more careful. Let me know if you need any help, okay?"

He gave a smile that felt like a grimace and quickly left. Jared had pulled his car up to the front and was blasting _Rising Star_ at what must have been the peak volume. He walked over to him. 

"Get in loser, we're going shopping." Jared called.

Evan shook his head and got in the passenger seat. "Where are we going?" He yelled over the speakers. 

Jared put the car in drive and pulled away from the sidewalk as he yelled obnoxiously, "What?!" He continued to call that out at anything Evan said for the next fifteen minutes while driving to the mall. They got food and ice cream and went to the arcade to play the nickel games they had. It was fun. It took his mind off of things. It wasn't until Jared had dropped him off at his house and pointed two fingers to his eyes then to Evan before driving off that he realized Jared was actively trying to help. He was trying to make Evan forget. Evan smiled as he headed up the front steps then inside. 

"I'm home," he called. One beat. Two. Nothing. He walked to the living room and double checked that he had seen his mom's car out front. Yup, one dusty Corolla. A noise from the kitchen caught his ear and he walked in to see his mom putting a frozen, Trader Joe's burrito in the microwave. 

"Mom?" He called.

She looked briefly to him then back to the microwave. "Oh. Hey, Evan."

"You alright?" 

"I'm fine."

The microwave beeped and Heidi took the burrito out and wrapped it in a paper towel. "I'm leaving. Don't stay up too late."

"M'kay."

And she left. Evan was sure he'd felt the tension she'd radiated, but didn't know what to do with it. Was she was still mad about him not telling her? It couldn't be. She must be tired from work. 

He went up to his room and finished the last of his homework. Shortly after nine, a text came through his phone. 

**Unknown** **:** We need to talk.

Evan's brow furrowed as he typed a response. 

**Evan:** Who is this?

**Unknown:** Kyle.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, all!  
> There are a lot of deviations from the first story in the next couple chapters, so congratulations to those that have read this before; you get new content. And congratulations to those on your first read-through; it's better than the last!  
> Oh! And before I forget, the song Jared is listening to is Rising Star by Decline & Fall. It's pretty good and when I first heard it, all I could think was "I know who this fits to."  
> See you next week!  
> 2134 words  
> 6/13/20


	13. Sleeping Dogs Lie

Evan shivered as he walked through the near-empty parking lot at two in the morning. The business lights had already gone out and the lamps were far enough apart that he could barely see anything but his destination. In the distance, a car engine ran, parked beneath a dimmed sign for _Dave's Shakes_ with the lights on low and music Evan wasn't familiar with playing through the open windows. He scratched the back of his hand and checked behind him. It didn't do much to ease his mind. Cars sped by on the main rode, too far away to be able to notice the impending doom that Evan faced. Instead of it making him feel better, it made him paranoid and he checked again every few steps to be sure no one was following him. 

The car door opened as he approached and Evan stopped in his tracks. His heart hammered in his chest and he felt for his phone, open and ready to dial 911 the second things went bad. The music stopped and the driver stepped out of the car and took a long drag from the cigarette that burned orange between his fingers. Evan swallowed and clenched his jaw to stop his shaking lip.

"You came." Kyle said once he'd blown the nicotine from his lungs. 

Evan could hear the mix of humor and surprise that laced his voice. He suckered up enough courage and with as much confidence as he could muster said, "What do you want?" It ended up sounding whiney and Evan bit his tongue at the regret.

Kyle walked toward him, "We're just gonna talk."

Evan could feel his shoulders rising as he approached, but held his ground. By the time he stopped, the two were within arm's reach. A motorcycle roared behind him as they passed and Evan jumped at the sound and checked behind him again. Nothing.

"Relax, will you." Kyle puffed another breath, "Tonight will be... let's call it a truce. You got nothing to worry about for now."

Evan turned back to him, so tense that his limbs shook with the effort. "And why should I believe you."

"I don't care if you believe me or not." Kyle said, "I just want to talk."

Evan's brow furrowed but he didn't respond. Kyle took that as interest and gestured back to his car. With a breath, Evan followed him timidly to his car and stood by awkwardly while Kyle stomped out his cigarette then climbed up to sit on the trunk. Evan wrapped his arms across his chest as Kyle pulled out a pack of gum and offered a piece to him. He didn't take it and Kyle grabbed one out for himself before putting it away. 

"So, Evan _,_ tell me about yourself." Kyle said as he unwrapped the piece. Evan didn't. He stared instead and stood, waiting for some sort of explanation. "We've gone to the same school since what—seventh grade?"

"What do you want?" Evan stressed the sentence again. 

Kyle turned to look at him and his smile had dropped. "You're gonna stay away from Connor." He put the piece in his mouth.

Evan swallowed, "Why?"

"Because I said so." Kyle looked to him with a bored expression. The glint in his eyes turned fierce. "Because for every moment we catch you talking to him, looking at him, even thinking about him you will experience a world of hell."

"What does Connor have to do with any of this?" Evan said exasperatedly. He was tired and scared and too frustrated to deal with this right now. 

Kyle smirked as if pleased but the way his eyes fixed on Evan told him it was anything but. A shiver ran down his spine. "You have the options, Hansen. Stay away from him." Kyle stood then and got into his car.

The window rolled up and the car drove away before Evan had even fully processed what had happened. He stared after the car as it merged into what little traffic there was at this time of the morning. He realized, belatedly, he was more confused now than he had been before. The walk home felt quicker than the way there. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Evan spent the next day constantly looking over his shoulder. He hadn't seen Sam and Tyler by the time lunch rolled around. Evan clutched his brown-bag lunch as he scanned the cafeteria. He spotted Jared at the same time that Jared saw him. He waved him over to his table and Evan hurriedly dodged through schoolmates and the smell of chicken nugget day to get to him. 

"Hey," Evan said as he sat, opening his bag to pull out his PB&J and chips. He glanced beside him. Nothing. 

"Hey! Guess what?" Jared said as he squeezed out two ketchup packets onto his tray, "Drew put a tac on the Mr. Tucker's chair earlier and he spent, like, forty minutes trying to figure out who did it, but couldn't prove anything so he had to let us all go. It was hilarious."

"O-oh... That's cool, I guess." Evan mumbled.

"I know right!" Jared popped a chicken nugget in his mouth and pushed it into his cheek so he could keep talking. "I'm just waiting to see who can get the stupidest prank in before break."

Evan scrunched his nose and took a bite of his sandwich.

"I mean, don't get me wrong, tac on the chair is an absolute classic, but it's a little elementary for my tastes."

Evan glanced to the side again.

Jared interrupted himself. "—Okay, what are you doing?"

Evan looked back to him wearily. "Something happened."

"Oh, I see. You're looking for Mr. Emo. I knew he would get over it eventu—"

"What?" Evan's brows furrowed and he shook his head, "No. I'm—uh... something happened."

"What do you mean?" Jared's tone turned sarcastic.

"It's just—uh," he checked around again, "Kyle got my number somehow and I met him last night and he kinda threatened me."

"Wait, Kyle?" The look on Jared's face told Evan that he'd forgotten everything they'd spoken about.

"The people who've been bullying me?"

"Why not just say that?" Jared threw the empty ketchup packet across the table at him. Some got on his arm and Evan scowled as he grabbed Jared's napkin to wipe it away.

"Anyway," Evan folded the napkin neatly to have something to do, "I've just been a bit paranoid, I guess."

"I don't see why." 

Evan looked up to Jared. "What do you mean."

Jared swirled another nugget around in the ketchup, "Kyle's suspension doesn't end until, like, Monday, right?"

"Well yeah but—"

"So you have until then at least." He popped it in his mouth.

"But there's still Sam and Tyler."

"Wait so now there's three of them?" He said between his food. 

"Pay attention, please." Evan wrung his hands, "I don't know what to do."

"Here's what you're gonna do:" Jared raised a finger and took a long gulp of his soda. When he put it back down, he hesitated for several moments before speaking, "Okay, never mind, I don't know what you should do." Evan sighed exasperatedly. "But! I do know what you should not be doing and that is freaking out and acting all paranoid."

Evan chewed his lip. "Maybe you're right." He sighed, "I mean, what's the worst that could happen, right?"

"Exactly," Jared gestured his hands in a placating way, "Trust me, this will all blow over before you know it."

"Okay." 

~~~~~~~~~~

Evan hadn't seen either Sam or Tyler all day. It was only in passing that he caught what he thought might have been Sam getting into a car at the end of the school day. He ducked his head, just in case, and headed quickly to the bus stop where he rode the M-209 eighteen blocks away to his therapist's office. 

Dr. Sherman asked about his letters to himself and Evan bullshitted himself through an excuse as to why he didn't have them yet again. 

"Maybe we should try something different," Dr. Sherman had said and that had only prompted Evan to respond with an anxious, "Why?"

"It seems writing notes to yourself isn't helping and since it's been two months without one, I understand, you're unwilling to show them to me."

Evan appreciated that he didn't outright say that he hadn't written them at all, even if it was true. He'd tried a couple, they just weren't sticking. Instead of commenting on Evan's silence, Dr. Sherman went over another homework assignment in which he wanted Evan to try out. It took it down to one sentence. Instead of saying why the day would be good, he would write why it wouldn't be bad. The new work didn't sound any more fun than the last had been, but at least slightly more doable.

After his session, he walked out to the main lobby and found his mom sitting near the door. He felt the tension that had eased from his shoulders come back as he approached. 

"Mom." 

She looked up to him from the magazine she'd been glancing through and smiled, "Evan."

"What are you doing here?"

She stood and put the magazine on the table, "I'm here to pick you up, obviously." She gestured to the door and they both started the walk to her car. 

Evan's brows furrowed and his hands played with the hem of his shirt, "Didn't you have work? I thought we agreed I would take the bus home."

She unlocked the car. "I took off for the night. I thought we could go get something to eat."

"You didn't—" he cut himself off with a sigh as they got in, "I can't. I have homework."

"You could do it after." She started the car.

"It's not that easy, it's gonna take a couple hours at least and is due tomorrow."

Heidi's smile faded some as she began the trip home. "Well, how about I order us some pizza?"

"I've had pizza three times this week."

"Chinese?"

"Mom, you don't have to do this."

"Do what?" She knew. Evan knew that she knew. She just didn't want to admit that this was her attempt to get him to open up, to apologize for never being home, to get information out of him. She was acting like she hadn't tried to pull this trick hundreds of times before. 

"This." Evan gestured in front of himself. 

"You're gonna have to be more specific that that or I won't know what you’re talking about." She had a small smile as she glanced to her rear-view mirror.

"You do to."

"What is it?"

A wave of anger washed over him and he reacted. "Just... this!" The silence that followed was too quiet. It cooled his temper like an ice bath. He hadn't meant to raise his voice. 

"...Evan, I'm sorry." She said eventually. "I need you to talk to me. What's wrong."

Evan's hands shook and he clenched them against his pant legs to calm down. "Never mind."

"No, tell me."

"It doesn't matter."

"Why don't you tell me things anymore?" Heidi asked, sounding desperate and defeated. Evan didn't have an answer. "You made a friend and lost him without telling me and you got punched and I know there's something else you're hiding. What is going on with us?"

Evan didn’t reply and Heidi eventually sighed. It was quiet until they pulled up to the house. They climbed out and went inside and Evan went straight to his room to work on his paper. The gnawing in his gut told him he should apologize, but he remained stubborn and never left his room. Around seven, Heidi brought him a Chinese to-go container of lo-mien. She sat it on his nightstand when he didn't acknowledge her presence and turned to leave, but stopped at the door. 

"Evan," He looked up to her right as she turned to him, "I'm sorry."

Evan sighed and rubbed his eyes, "No, you—I...I'm sorry too."

Heidi smiled sadly at him and came back over to sit next to him on the bed. She wrapped her arms around him and he leaned into her touch. 

"I feel like I'm losing my little boy and I don't know how to get him back." She said. Evan didn't know how to reply, so he stayed quiet instead, wrapping his arm around her waist awkwardly. "You know I love you, right?"

Evan nodded, "I love you too."

"Good." She chuckled weakly, "We'll have to plan a time when both of us are able to hang out and catch up."

Evan smiled, "I'd like that."

"Okay," She sat up and pat his shoulder twice before standing, "Well, I'll let you finish your assignment. Make sure you get to bed at a decent time. You good on refills?" She asked, looking into his box anyway.

"Yeah, I'm good."

"Okay, well. I love you."

"Love you too."

"Sleep well."

"You too."

Heidi left and Evan turned back to his report. In the week he’d been without Connor, he missed him the most that night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all!  
> I am so excited for this chapter. I loved the reactions from the last, so thank you to those that commented. It was much appreciated. My life is finally starting to go back to semi-normal. I was back to work this week and am finally back into my extra-curricular things. Of course there are the masks, but I don't mind them all that much. On the bright side, I work in an office with like, five people and no outside traffic, so I don't have to wear a mask there, which is nice.  
> Thanks for reading! See you next week!  
> Edit: Hey guys, some things came up and there is no way I'm gonna be able to post on Friday. I plan to skip this week and hop back onto my normal schedule next week. Next chapter will be 7/3/20. Thanks for your patience!  
> 2182 words  
> 6/19/20


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